How often are you supposed to bath a dog?  Fuck me, my little feller pongs already and he only got tubbed on Sunday.  I think he’s been mixing pheromones with some male company that I had over the past day or so.

Of course, when I say “male company”, I refer to the partner of my visiting female friend.  I was horrified when he lay on my bed – might I get pregnant?  Euch.

After years of telling April how I’m an OK cook, I had to put my money where my mouth is and cook for us the other night – coq au vin.  This involved the use of quite a lot of garlic, some of which has been residing in my kitchen bin since Monday and has taken on the smell of hideous garlic breath; you know the sort of overpowering funk that grabs you by the stomach, throws you to floor and makes you vomit until your eyeballs explode?  Like that.

I don’t like smells, unless it’s my own trumps.  You get to thinking how your natural smell affects people who you share office space with.  Not referring to body odours, I mean the sort of fragrances that cling to you as a result of your morning ablutions – shower gel, hair products, moisturisers, perfumes.  How does one have that difficult conversation with a colleague who wears a vile signature fragrance – in perfume, shower gel and moisturiser form? Is there a subtle way of sending them a link to the Jo Malone website?  They’d probably still choose some combination of scents that, alone are divine, but in union turn into something that could be used as biological warfare agents.

Jesus loves you

Oh good grief, this is brilliant.  There’s something about people of religion that just makes me want to kill them.   Nothing personal, but they’re clearly suffering from serious mental illness and they need conversion therapy to turn them into fully functioning, rational members of the global society.  Am I being harsh?  You decide by checking out the Team Jesus for Michelle Bachmann facebook page, and this little beauty that I found there today:

Dinosaurs became extinct because they were all gay

Fuck a doodle doo.

The Bachmann Facebook page is clearly a spoof (I hope) to show how utterly ridiculous some Christians are, but I’m assuming some class A moronic bible basher came up with this graphic.

Maybe in years to come we’ll be able to make a cartoon that said Christians became extinct because they just pissed off so many free-thinking, normal people off that world governments decreed they were either put into mental asylums or sterilised banned from having access to children and mass communications tools.