Back in the day, my favourite album EVER was the Sneaker Pimps’ 1996 offering, Becoming X. It was the year 2000, I was living on my own an amazing flat overlooking the rolling hills of the east Pennines as they rose out of the western side of Sheffield. I was so depressed. I made the mistake of listening to music that contributed to my mood, music that provided a soundtrack to an unrequited love affair, music that filled the void left by the alcohol that I’d recently ejected from my life.

It was a time before iPods, MP3 players and the iTunes Store. You bought a CD and you listened to it, even recorded onto one side of a C90 cassette to listen to in the car. Becoming X met Morcheeba’s Dead Calm. Both brilliant albums, both from the depressing music capital of the world: Bristol.

And then there was David Gray’s White Ladder. Despite his oddly annoying vocal style, the songs were touching and thought-provoking. “Feels like lightning running through my veins every time I look at you.” It all seems a bit fromagificent now, but back then, having met the girl of my dreams, it had me punching my head in despair, longing and loss.

C’est la vie.

I got out of Sheffield, got over it eventually.

What I’ve never got over and never will is/are toilet roll holders. These are truly exasperating items, whose potential functionality is generally negated by poor design, poor positioning, or poor fitting.

How can anybody have a gripe against toilet roll holders? Well, I’ve been to a number of domestic and non-residential toilets in my time and I rarely encounter a toilet roll holder that isn’t depressingly rubbish.

There are the ones that are never straight, with the bar that holds the roll never retaining its supposed horizontal position. The roll falls off.

There are the ones with the central holder with the pinch points that lock it into its retainer on the wall. Only the retainer is too slack, so the roll holder falls out, or is wonky so the toilet roll doesn’t roll effectively. Instead, it bounces around an scuffs against the wall.

There are the toilet roll stands that just get in the way.

There are the toilet roll holders that are too close, too low down or just too far away.

And then there are the industrial ones where the roll is too big and heavy to roll at all, so you have to struggle against it pinging back into its start position, tearing off one sheet of paper at a time. If you can find the end at all, that is.

Or the ones with the metal or plastic flaps on top of them – why? Can somebody explain this please?

Added to this is the “front or behind” argument: does the paper fall over the top of the roll and down the front, or does it drop behind? Am I allowed to be judgemental against those who get it wrong? I think yes.

The only toilet roll holder in my property is on the inside of the outhouse door and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Like microwave ovens and toasters, I refuse to have one. They’re as useful as those stands for kitchen roll: it may have escaped people’s notice, but a kitchen roll is pretty awesome at standing upright on its own.

Having toilet rolls placed on top of the cistern may not be becoming of a budding socialite, but it saves much stress as far as I’m concerned. And if Debretts won’t have me because of my stance, well quite frankly, they’re missing out.

I’m off to visit friends for a few days from tomorrow. If they weren’t renting, I fear I may have to have words.