There are some things that I find intolerable.  Actually, there are many things that I find intolerable and I’m sure I’m not alone in my irritation at:

• Perfectly able-bodied people using the lift to ascend or descend just one level.  They enter the lift, their backs turned to me.  They MUST be able to feel my death stare burning a hole in the back of their stupid, lazy heads.
• Those who enter MY segment of a revolving door.  Back the fuck off!  What the hell are they playing at?  I’ve a mind to stop dead and make them stand in there with me while they explain their need for proximity.  “Oh, you expected me to push for you, did you?”.  Tossers.
• People shuffling along the street, paying no attention to their surroundings because they’re too engrossed in whatever is so fascinating on their mobile phones.  I watch them as they approach me, heads down, in my mind I am the man with no name, sizing them up, waiting for the point that they bump into me.  I do not alter my path to accommodate them, I stand my ground and make them move.  Another battle against ignorance won.
• Those who walk slow-paced in a gang of three or four abreast ahead of me on the footway, taking up the entire width so as to make overtaking them impossible.  THIS is why cattle prods should not be illegal.
• Women who use the ladies’ to fanny around in front of the mirror.  Just fuck off!  I’m trying to have a wee, and they’re there, messing about in their handbags, doing their hair and putting lippy on.  Don’t they have any idea of privacy?  Clearly not.
• Umbrellas.  Get a hood or a rain hat.  Don’t take up valuable space or my eye out with your stupid, ineffective contraption that is no more than a piece of cagoul fashioned into a flimsy structure with wire coat hangers.  You see them, trying to avoid the rain as if they are made of sherbet, fighting the wind that is turning their brolly inside out.  Fools!
• Those who drop litter.  Die on fire, all of you!  We waste over £1bn a year in this country tidying up after these people.  £1bn that should be spent on essential services.

This is not an exhaustive list, I could go on, and on, and on.  The list grows on an almost daily basis and today, my list has grown again, this time because of anglers.

Angling NOT a sport.  It’s an excuse for lazy-arsed blokes to sit around and do fuck all instead of getting a proper job.  How can they justify spending an entire day sitting by a lake?  There are anglers who occupy the banks of the lake in the country park where I take the Little Dog for his walk.

They’re a shifty bunch at the best of times, the smell of skunk weed being smoked often emanates from their locations and I can’t ABIDE people who take drugs, especially in a location that is frequented by a) me, and b) families.  They leave litter; this is despite them having the ability to trundle around to the car park with trolleys full of whatever the fuck they keep in there, but oh no, they can’t take their disposable barbecues with them.

But these misdemeanours pale in comparison to the horror that I discovered last night.  Me and the little feller were out enjoying our evening walk when he suddenly darted off into the woodland leading to the bank of the lake.  Through the bush I could see him eating something, so I called him back, assuming it was a dead rat.  When he finally came to me, with his prize, he dropped it to the floor.  It took a few seconds to register what it was, but once I did, I recoiled in disgust at… a massive human poo.  After chastising him and finally getting him to move on, he did the same a few metres along the path and he came back with yet another huge human poo.  The dirty fucking bastard twatting anglers have been shitting in the woods, not burying it, just leaving it there.  Filthy fucking pigs.

Needless to say, the Little Dog had his face and mouth cleaned pronto, I’ve never been so grateful for carrying wet wipes in the car.

I came home to compose a “disgusted of Stoneclough” e-mail to the Park Rangers and to ask whether I could be considered for the Country Park Forum.

Why are some men such revolting beasts? I’ve a mind to go down to the woods while they’re there and fling shit at them as they admire their carp.  “So, what did you catch today?”

“A 5lb carp and 2kg of angler shit.”

Honestly.  I bet they didn’t even wipe their bums either.