The Little Dog is an idiot.

The end.

I suppose this could be fleshed out.

Rocky has a habit of being a nuisance; his life’s mission seems to be to cause as much annoyance to other living creatures as possible, me being the main victim. He menaces other dogs because he LOVES them. I suppose we’re lucky in that most dogs, and their owners, are understanding of his type and they just let him get on with shoving his nose up their pets’ anuses before he’s satisfied and then moves on.

He never learns though, and two things that he knows always defeat him are spiders and toads. I no longer dread spider season because of my own fears of the eight-legged monsters, moreso because I know he’ll valiantly try to kill the beasties in a tense and jumpy battle that always concludes with a flattened spider and dog vomit on the carpet. I don’t know whether they tickle his tongue or if they bite him, but he always throws up after getting one in his mouth.

The same goes for toads. We’ve just had an encounter in the yard with a little one, a TINY one. He somehow managed to sniff it out amongst the pots and pursued it with fearless, yet terrified, persistence. His tongue makes contact with toad, toad jumps off, Rocky starts convulsing and then vomits. Always.

It’s like watching the replay of a car crash; you know the outcome, but you’ve just got to observe without intervention because, well, it’s quite funny to see him defeated by something that’s less then 4cm in length. I shooed his nemesis off under the gate. Until next time, toady.

He almost had a mouse once. It was painful viewing as he ran around from one corner of the fireplace to the other, the cat watching in disdain.

Here’s what “they” say about mini schnauzers:

Miniature Schnauzers developed from crosses between the Standard Schnauzer and one or more smaller breeds such as the Poodle and Affenpinscher, as farmers bred a small dog that was an efficient ratting dog.

A “ratting” dog. A rat would beat seven shades of shit out of him.

Get his synopsis:

Miniature Schnauzer
Dog Breed
The Miniature Schnauzer is a breed of small dog of the Schnauzer type that originated in Germany in the mid-to-late 19th century. Wikipedia
Hypoallergenic: Yes
Life span: 12 to 15 years
Temperament: Spirited, Alert, Obedient, Friendly, Fearless, Intelligent
Height: Female: 30–36 cm, Male: 30–36 cm
Colors: Salt & Pepper, Black & Silver, Black, White (rubbish)
Weight: Female: 5.4–8.2 kg, Male: 5.4–9.1 kg

I read all sorts of reviews about this breed of dog before acquiring him. FUCKING LIES!

Still, he probably gets all his worst traits from me. Apparently when he’s looked after by others, he’s an absolute dream, “no problem”, they tell me, “he’s been a really good boy.”

Living with him is a constant reminder of my long list of inadequacies, those things that bring me to the daily conclusion: Tina, you’re weak and you’re shit.

Lifespan: 12 to 15 years. He’s six. It’s going to be a long few years unless I start getting all pack leader on his tufty little arse. Things are going to change, starting tomorrow! He’s going to the spa for a bath, a hair do and a pedicure, then I’ll take him to the pet shop so he can choose his favourite dinners and new toy, then I’ll let him run free down the woods for an hour.

Tough love, that’s what’s needed.

And valium.