My radio comes on shortly before my alarm clock beeps into life at 6.15am every weekday morning.I’m getting on a bit now, I have no patience for commercial radio or those stations that cater for a much younger demographic.  With the former’s obsession with soap operas, adverts and more adverts, and the latter not even communicating in my language, I decided long ago that BBC Radio 2 was my station of choice.

I’ve tried Radio 4 with previous girlfriends and really doesn’t suit me, my need for antidepressants, or my political views.  “But some of the documentaries, comedy and drama is brilliant. What about the Archers?”, people plead with me.  True, I’d never have known of Numbers Stations if it hadn’t been for Radio 4 being on in the car during a roadtrip to Norfolk in 2005, nor would I have heard about dodgy African preachers and their Miracle Bebbies.  A lot of my favourite comedy shows were given their broadcast breaks on Radio 4 and I actually enjoyed the Archers for a while until they went all class war and killed off Nigel for being posh.  For the most part though, Radio 4 bores or annoys me and I certainly can’t face the prospect of waking up to Guardian FM every morning with people shouting at those they’re interviewing and just too much seriousness for when I’m trying to get my second eyelid to open.

So Radio 2 it is.  I used to like it when that woman was on first thing and she was still half cut from the night before.  Sarah Kennedy, that was her. Her voice was soothing and smooth and listening to her was like being in a conversation in a time and place that didn’t quite exist: village fetes; drinks by the river; cosy fireside suppers; no riff-raff. She’s long since been booted off air and so now, at 6.15, I’m woken by  Vanessa and her manic ramblings.  They actually speak to real people at 6.20 for some sort of birthday slot.  Real people, actual members of the public, able to string words together before 7am.

But at 6.30 it happens: “This is BBC Radio 2, online, on digital radio and on  88-91 FM” DUFF, DUFF, DUFF, NEWS JINGLE!! “BBC News at 6.30, this is Moira Stewart” kicks off 3 hours of Goundhog Day hell by stumbling over her words as she reads the news headlines before Chris Evans presents exactly the same breakfast show every single day.

6.32 Chris Evans Shouts something then

[Gospel jingle] [“mesdames et monsieurs”] [“It’s the most wonderful time of the day”] [“This is London”] [cockerel sound effect] [Tarzan call]

– play song number 1 & song number 2

6.42 [Thunderbirds theme] Good morning Chris club

– trailer for another radio programme

6.44 [Lion roar theme] Big screen belter

6.47 Talks over traffic woman Lynne Bowels, Lynne talks self-deprecating guff and delivers some travel news

– song

6.52 Sports guy comes on to be shouted over as he tries to deliver sports review for 5 minutes

– song

7am News pips and jingle.  Moira returns to stumble over the news headlines again

7.05 [Gospel jingle pt 2] Chris shouting over it and honking horns

7.06 [Bonanza music] What are you up to today; today’s show dedication

7.07 [Choir sings “Oh what a beautiful morning” chorus] Chris shouting over it

– song [“Good morning, Britain, and welcome to another day here on planet earth”plays over intro]

7.11 [theme] More rambling (usually about Bake Off or Stictly or food or cars or his kids) and overview of the show, which is the same as every other show

And that’s generally when the radio turns itself off, mercifully, but there’s actually a Wikipedia page with this rundown.

Over the past year, I’ve become increasingly irritated with this unchanging format and the host’s increasing volume.  I don’t need to be shouted at any time of the day, least of all when I’m just waking up.  But thinking about it, if they weren’t so annoying, the perfectly timed jingles and features are actually really clever.  Genius even.  All of the show’s regular listeners are conditioned to know what they should be doing by the time a certain feature comes on.   I need to be in the shower by Vassos at 6.50 and certainly no later than Moira at 7.  If it gets to the Hawaiian music and Carol with the weather at 7.15, I’m screwed.  I don’t need to look at a clock, I just need to have the radio on.  So long as I’m out with Rocky by the time Moira’s golden oldies come on at 7.32, I’m in with a shout of getting into work by 8.30.

By the time I get into my car to go to work, I can’t take any more of the Breakfast Show and I generally listen to music through my phone instead.  What’s needed is a national, non-commercial radio show between 6.30 and 9am, that’s not presented by Chris Evans and that plays music that I like. Or failing that, I need to not have to wake up in the mornings so I can shuffle around at my leisure until I fancy putting the radio on for Simon Mayo at teatime.