Following the release of charismatic leader Tina from a Labour Party “anti-terrorism” control order, The Cakesniffers (UK) Party (we’re an international operation) is set to release its election manifesto tomorrow. It’s not really a manifesto, it’s more of a hit-list that includes:

• The entire Labour Party
• Charles “where the fuck are my teeth?” Kennedy
• Anne Widdecombe
• Rover and people-carrier drivers
• Spongers
• Lazy, greedy bastards who expect everything for nothing at the expense of everyone else
• Unruly brattish fucking horrible kids and/or their parents, guardians or carers
• People who don’t give me a job despite asking me to apply and making assurances that it was mine if I wanted it

Who said genocide wasn’t fair?

For anybody who missed the breakdown of the British National Party’s manifesto, apart from the obvious desire to repatriate everybody who’s an “immigrant” (that’s most of the population), they also want compulsory national service and the requirement for anybody who’s undergone national service to keep a hunting rifle in the house at all times. Well, I’ll certainly sleep soundly at night if that bunch of charmers ever get elected for anything.

The Lincolnshire Poacher

Avid listeners of shortwave radio (that’s “spies” to you an me) will, on occasion, pick up a weird transmission that usually starts with a tune and is then followed by a computerised voice that reads out sequences of numbers. Each transmission can go on for about ten minutes and it’s thought that the transmissions are used to send code to agents in the field, who then decode the message to receive instructions or whatever. One such “number station” is the Lincolnshire Poacher and this transmits from Cyprus at 2pm (14:00 hrs) each day. To listen to such a broadcast, download the mp3 or wav here. More spying info, particularly with respect to number stations can be found at Numbers & Oddities, but don’t bother asking MI6 because it’s thought that they operate Lincolnshire Poacher and they’d have to kill you if they told you. These things may be a legacy of the Second World War that has lived on throught the Cold War, right through to today. The advantage is that an agent would need is a shortwave receiver and the code book that can be edible, or soluble.

Enough espionage tricks, Hell’s Kitchen’s on!

My election slogan?

Keep it sniffy!

Fucking bastard Labour party Nazis have got me under a control order. I’m finding it very difficult to get to a PC to post at the moment. Bunch of wankers. And the shithead voters in this country are too stupid to vote them out despite:

• Unaffordable housing due to Gordon Brown pilfering the pension funds.
• Sky-high council tax.
• A complete waste of money thrown at public services – it’s all well and good invested in public services, but throwing good money after bad is no solution. For all its billions, has the NHS really improved over the last 8 years? Don’t think so. I work in the NHS, I know.
• Crap transport.
• Rubbish schools, filled with horrible kids and disillusioned teachers, churning out thick as pigshit kids with 20 A* GCSEs yet who still can’t read or add up.
• The general state of shitbag society because of an out of control welfare system.
• Erosion of democracy and free speech because of a threat of terrorism that that twat Blair brought on the nation himself.
• No more free education while youngsters are forced into university because of a lack of vocational training.
• Throwing money at families (hard working or not, but mainly not) – if you can’t afford kids, don’t fucking have them, you stupid twats. I don’t expect anybody to fund my lifestyle choices, so why the hell should I pay for yours, you greedy lazy bastards!
• Fucking political fucking correctness that means that people are scared to say anything because they’re fearful of being branded a somethingist.

It’s a shit country under Labour; they’re a bunch of lying bastards who waste YOUR money to spend on shitbags and illegal wars.

Better go before I get sent to Belmarsh.

Hey, this Technorati thing is pretty smart. I just happened to be having a squiz to see who was linking to Cakesniffers and I found 4 other sites. FOUR? Angry Chimp + Half an Identity were the obvious ones, but I was very flattered to see that connielingus in Canada has linked to me. So Connie, if you’re reading, many thanks, I’m really flattered.

Oh, and the librarians *wink* must be doing the same as me in searching for people who are blogging them because they’ve got a post about my “Get a life” entry from Saturday. I’ve just apologised to them for taking the piss.

Angry Chimp induces “Paula Radcliffe Moment”
I’ve just been having another look at Angry Chimp’s synopsis of the Radio Four schedule for Monday. I nearly wet myself (but in no way did I come close to a number two!). If you’re reading this blog, but you’ve never visited the Chimp site, just go and have a look NOW. It’s one of the funniest things on the interweb. It’s also balanced precariously and deliciously on the edge of decency – but who ever said that real life was pretty? Certainly not Pope Benedict XVI.

I’m amazed! As many confectionary fans are aware, I have a strong desire to leapfrog millions by becoming the first ever female Pope. But look at what’s happened today, Anne Widdecombe has beaten me to it! Fucking bitch.

Credit to her though, Anne has come from being a liberal and caring Conservative MP…

…to being the leader of world’s 1.1bn Roman Catholics…

“Fuck me, I was only here on a sight-seeing tour and got locked in the Sistine Chapel with all these old blokes. The next thing I knew, they were pushing me out here in front of all you lot!” Widdecome (Benedict XVI) on her first address to the assembled crowd in St Peter’s Square.

Well, the election of Cardinal Nazinger as the new Pope will certainly send shivers down many who have been victim to Rome’s hard-line views and doctrines.

As an atheist, I don’t know why I feel I should even be bothered by this. But I find it alarming that organisations and faiths that rule the lives of so many people around the world can have such views in this day and age. It’s very worrying that your colleague, or a person in the street, somebody at Tesco, wherever, might have their head filled with utter rubbish because of will of somebody who has no idea about real life. People are taught prejudices and hatred through religions, they become indoctrinated with the idea that it’s right to forgive a murderer, but that somebody who’s gay will live in eternal sin. It’s OK for people in Africa to be dying of AIDS by the million, so long as they have lived to God’s will while on earth. Utter bollocks.

Jesus wept, as they say.

I tell you what, you’d be really pissed off if you’d booked this week to go to Rome and see all the sites, including the Sistine Chapel and stuff; those Cardinals could be in there for ages! Inconsiderate bastards. I bet they choose some hard-line Nazi who opposes women’s rights, use of contraceptives and acceptance of homosexuality. Just like the last one.

More worrying is the bums on seats value of the death of PJPII in terms of an upturn in congregations in Catholic churches around the UK. Fantastic. They’ll be rising up and starting a 21st century crusade or inquisition next. I’d better go into hiding.

The funny thing is, many muslims are asking for a pope who is accepting of other faiths. That’s rich.

I’m still working on my plan to infiltrate the Vatican during my trip to Rome in the autumn. Looking at the guide books, it seems that most of the Vatican buildings are open to the public so you just pay you money and go in. It should be a doddle. All I need to do is find the suggestion box to drop them a note. I wonder if I could get away with hiring a comedy nun outfit (with accompanying comedy teeth and specs) to go round St Peter’s in?

Potholes
Why is it that there’s always a pothole or raised manhole cover, you know, some sort of uneven road surface, just at the point when you’re changing through the gears when setting off from lights, turning into a road or moving out of a junction? Just enough to throw your foot off the clutch and/or accelerator and make you look like a spak driver.


Lost in translation
I’m quite aware that my blog might not be completely understandable to certain sections of the interweb community. Because if this, I’m considering translating it into two new editions: a politically correct one and an American English one. The politically correct one will be simplicity in itself – I’ll just delete all my posts (and not mention things like Joey Deacon dropping his shoe from that boat on Blue Peter).

I’ll be enlisting the help of an American colleague of mine to produce the Yankie Doodle Cakesniffers Beware, or “Hey, watch out muffin-smellers!” as it’ll become known. Of course, the American spelling will be hard to do – how do you go from writing in a perfectly normal way to something that looks dyslexic? Retarded, stupid, lazy nobheads.

Library Supporter
Bloody hell, could you imagine writing a blog dedicated to your job? Of course, Librarian is a comedy euphemism that I like to use for ladylovers. Perhaps then, the Library Supporter blog is dating site for gay women? Get it bookmarked, folks!

“The ever-popular sausage roll continues to be one of our best selling products”

Greggs the Bakers do a roaring trade in pastry-based, high-fat luncheon savouries. Every day, you can go for a walk into your local North West town’s shopping area and you’ll see masses of people chomping something hot and tasty from a Greggs bag.

For the past year or so, I’ve been conducting the Great North West Pasty Survey in which I measure the proportion of shopping precinct dwellers who have their faces shoved into a Greggs bag. I correlate this with the proportion of folk strolling along using walking aids, or causing mayhem on one of those trecherous motorised scooter things, i.e. incapacity benefits spongers. Let’s just say, the correlation is very high; no matter whether it’s my local shopping precinct here, or the fabulous Halton Lea Shopping City, they eat these things by the truck load. Of course, people who buy their pies and pastries from Hampson’s (“so fresh we’re famous”), Greenhalgh’s and Martin’s aren’t as common and they tend to wait to get home before stuffing their faces. And I haven’t forgotten the dodgy glazed icing coating on Greggs’ ring doughnuts!

My shopping precinct has no less than FOUR bakeries. I am truly blessed by God’s good grace.

The local Conservative Party candidate was at the precinct, pretending to canvass support while secretly counting the number of work-shy dolescum so she could report them at Shop Them. At least I hope that’s what she was doing.

I was going to walk to the shops this afternoon, but as I approached the front gate, I heard the jingle jangle of an excited Max racing through the bushes after me. Despite a number of attempts to get him in the house, so as he wouldn’t follow me onto the busy main road, he insisted on being the tit that he is so I ended up driving. That cat really does get me into trouble; it’s no wonder the gangs of local youths take the piss out of me.

It’s all Rover! Now, it’s pretty devastating for the ex-workforce of Rover, who have all lost their jobs this week. It’s bad too for the people employed by other industries that supply the car manufacturers. And it’s not much fun for the Rover dealerships around the country. I honestly sympathise with all of them. However, the most severely affected will be us poor bastard motorists! Up until now, the presence of a Rover has been a first class indicator that the driver is a complete cock, how will we recognise these people once all the Rovers are off the roads? My guess is they’ll transfer to Citroen C5s and Toyota Avensises (Avenses?), but there’s no way of knowing for sure. I’m bloody scared, I can tell you. I suppose one way is to look out for people who are driving as if they’re towing a caravan – did you know that the Rover 75 has a “caravan button” to boost power when towing?

I’m going to print off a batch of these and send them to all my neighbours…

All-seeing eye
Originally uploaded by cakesniffer.

This is my eye. I took this photo to see the detail of my eyebrow hairs before I plucked them. I didn’t pluck all the eyebrow hairs – I’d have looked like Whoopi Goldberg without eyebrows (except I’m not black and I don’t look like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz) – I just removed the ones that were growing through.

Eyebrows are the oddest things; why do we have them?

But yes, this is the eye that sees it all in my world (the other one is made of glass). It is this eye that sends the information to my little brain, where things get jumbled up and spat out with the help of the chemicals that the grey cells are bathed in. It is this eye that was really sore yesterday when my contact lens got folded in the corner after I’d rubbed it a bit too hard. Fucking contact lenses. Bastard things.

Today, my eye sees GREYNESS.

Officially “working from home”, I’ve spent the morning pissing about on the internet, while doctoring a presentation that I’m giving next week with Conservative Party slogans. It’ll certainly provoke a discussion amongst the leftie NHS types that I’m doing the training course for and it’ll save me having to look at their blank faces. It’s more likely that I’ll be chased around the hospital site by people baying for my blood. And they let these people vote!

If I was to start a political party, readers of this blog won’t be surprised to find that I’d have a very liberal approach to running the country. In fact, this country would run be run a lot better if we had a proper housewife as Prime Minister (and I’m not talking Maggie Thatcher here because she was a bloke). I mean somebody like Dolly from Emerdale Farm or Deirdre Barlow from Corrie. The cabinet would be comprised of women from all walks of life (so long as they weren’t spongers) and we’d have men to do things like work in factories and farms, mend cars and washing machines. That’s their best place life, not at the hub of power where they get ideas above their station and start trouble all over the globe. Men’s egos are far too big, they should never be allowed anywhere near government.

This country needs a good civil war in which anybody who is proved to be worthless (whether they be filthy rich or dolescum underclass) should be cast out! I’d like Bono to be tried for crimes against humanity too. Tosser.

Does anybody actually really enjoy Radio 4, or are those who proclaim to merely showing off? The only stuff worth listening to is the comedy on a Saturday lunchtime. The rest of it is just pretentious shit that you can get in condensed format on the BBC website. It’s a bit like The Times/Sunday Times newspapers; I’m sure people only buy these to make themselves look good.

The BBC should do away with Radio 4 and bring us more digital radio that covers the interests of “urban youth”. It could have documentaries on gang warfare, drinking in large groups, being a constant pain in the arse, the best body language for optimum threatening behaviour.

Radio 4 is a high-brow radio station brought to us from the BBC. It has no music and generally covers news and current affairs, with the odd documentary, play and comedy show thrown in. It’s shit.

Oh bollocks to it, bloody e-mail server won’t let me send a 10MB message – tried it twice now.