That’s me and the Chimp. We’re not worthy of a mention on some insignificant BBC blog page thing, yet good old “Half an identity” is. Well done Sam. And well done the BBC for publicising somebody who claims to be on the run from the witness protection programme. Two words: David, Kelly.

I don’t think my blog fits in with the BBC’s policy for not publishing anything that goes against the doctrine of St Tony of Sedgefield. Or it could be something to do with my frequent use of the words: fuck; fuckers; cocksuckers; piss; arse; twat; BASTARDS. But, come on, it’s the 21st century.

Obviously the BBC feels threatened by Angry Chimp’s reporting of current affairs. They’re only jealous because they’re shackled by the censor in Number 10 and the Chimp is free to report the truth.

Perhaps I should start a blog whereby I pretend to be a hopeless alcoholic with a questionable sexuality, striving to come to terms with life, heartbreak, depression, poverty… Perhaps I should get thinking and produce something mildly entertaining or amusing to post instead of the usual pile of crap that I come out with.

Coming up on Cakesniffers Beware…
Don’t miss a thing as Tina documents her plan to infiltrate the Vatican and take over as Pope. In nomini patri e spirito sancti or something like that.

The Conservatives have been criticised for being racist over their desire to impose immigration limits. However, the full truth of their policy is actually quite appealing. A leaked document from Central Office reveals that the Tories will introduce a “one in, one out” immigration policy. This means that, for every new immigrant or asylum seaker the UK gains, we actually lose a member of our malingering underclass of long-term sick benefits claimants and parasitic serial single mothers. The only condition being that the incoming “New Briton” has to find paid work and contribute something to the economy.

A vote winner in anyone’s book!

This is one of those photos that does the rounds in joke e-mails, but it’s pretty funny.

Yes, ebay. I’m bidding on an Italian language CD course thing. The price has been 50p for two days, but some bitch has now entered a maximum bid of £5 with 4 hours to go. Stupid twat. In these situations, I like to engage in a game of Ebay Poker with my adversary. I enter a series of incremental maximum bids of my own, but just enough to force the price up so the eventual winner has to pay their maximum bid price. It’s a bit of a risk because you could end up paying for something yourself, but it’s a lesson to those who bid on things that I want. You do NOT fuck with me!

Of course, if you really want an item, the idea is to wait until an auction is in it’s final minute before you enter your maximum bid. Or you could just buy it from Amazon or Amazon Marketplace because the price will probably less than at the end of a bidding war.

It’d be quite good if you could find out who you were bidding against you could threaten them when they were pissing you off. Or even better, find out where they lived so you could go round and steal off them if they outbid you.


Shafted
I’ve been pissed off because I was shafted over that job I had the interview for. After being asked to apply after the closing date, then being given lots of hints and basically being told that the job was mine, after going through all the stress of preparing for and then the interview itself, they decided to give the job to somebody else. I’ve no idea what went on, but something must’ve happened to make them change their mind and it wasn’t the interview. So I’m pissed off and very depressed. If I can’t even get a job in those circumstances, what are my chances elsewhere?

I really do need to brush up on my martial arts and swordplay; the list of people who have pissed me off is growing and I need to start some killings.

eBay update

I’m having so much excitement, watching the last quarter hour of my eBay auction. I wonder if somebody will pip me at the post. This could end up being spookily like the situation with that job… Could I take two major disappointments in the same week?

Why is it that when you edit a post, the line spacing goes weird?

11 minutes, 50 seconds…. I’m not mad keen on the woman, but I thought Camilla looked really nice at her wedding yesterday… 9 minutes, 37 seconds…. This suspense is killing me! I can’t believe I’m getting so excited over something that is probably shit… 8 minutes, 1 second… We’re having roast chicken tonight, not had that for a while… 7 minutes, 15 seconds – still winning! Eeek, I can hardly bear to look… 5 minutes, 44 seconds and all is well… 3 minutes, 49 seconds… trying to take my mind off it by looking at compact flash on Dabs and Amazon, it’s all getting a bit too much for me… 2 minutes, 55 seconds… I’m going to burst! The thing is, I can always get it new from Amazon if I don’t win this auction, but this has turned into a battle of wills that i need to emerge victorious from… 1 minute, 36 seconds… FIFTYNINE seconds… TWENTYSEVEN seconds… Congratulations! You won, you are THE BEST ebay bidder EVER!

Buona sera, mi chiama Tina!

Fuck, if that’s the extent of my Italian, I’d better do some brushing up pretty sharpish for when I visit the Eternal City in September. Yes, I’m off to Rome for my first holiday in about 7 years.

Of course, I’ll be taking questions to pass on to the new Pope while I’m there, so get your thinking hats on. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to hear from everyone. I might even go to St Peter’s on the Sunday to see if I can get a blessing. Imagine that, me of all people!

Vorrei un scoiatolo, per favore. For some reason, whenever I try to speak Italian, the only word I can think of is scoiatolo, which means squirrel. Bugger only knows why. When I was a kid, I could say quite a few things, but it’s all gone. Una bottiglia d’acqua minerale frizzante, per favore e un litro di vino rosso per mia sorella. Oh, anche una borsa di malato.

Still, give me 6 months and I might be able to get by. Even if I don’t, I doubt I’ll starve if I don’t manage to eat anything in the four days that I’m there.

I’m pissed off and deflated and let down and depressed and angry. But I’ll live. Unless I take an overdose and do myself in.

At least you can rely on the BBC
The BBC have done me proud today, I’m watching the live streaming of the Pope’s funeral on their website. Haven’t got a bloody clue what’s going on because it’s all in foreign with Huw Edwards commentating in his weird Welsh/English. In addition to this, this video is very mosaic(ked?) so you can’t see much apart from the red of the cardinals’ robes. But I feel like I’m there!

I’m only really interested in case there’s an attempted terrorist attack on all those world leaders. Unfortunately, I think the security is far too good.

See Rome and die… if only.

Sausage barm
In a world of let-downs, one thing you can rely on to you pick you up – even if only for a minute or so – is the good old sausage barm with brown sauce.

What’s a barm(cake)? It’s North West term for a soft, flat bread roll. But it’s not a roll because bread rolls have a crust and barmcakes are soft. They’re sometimes called baps (but “baps” are titties or norks in my book), batches (in the Coventry area) and even “teacakes” in Barnsley (now that IS bizarre). Anyway, barmcakes are the ideal mode of delivery for two pork sausages and brown sauce, whereas toast provides the perfect accompaniment for rashers of crispy bacon (with brown sauce).


Winter again
Just when you thought you could put your heavy coat away, it starts snowing again. It’s April, for fuck’s sake! Bloody freezing.


Soooooooooooooooooo fed up.

This photo is direct evidence that Tony Blair is in cahoots with Islamic terrorist Osama Bin Lid-on. The picture clearly shows wife Cherie in muslim head-scalf while Tony listens to the skies for the planned air attack on GLC HQ, 2 miles away.

Seriously though, what the fuck does she look like? I bet she wanted to arrive at Westminster Cathedral in one of those horse-drawn herses where the gee-gees have those black feathered head-dresses. You know, with a floral tribute to “John Paul” being carried in the back. Stupid bitch wants a good fucking slap.

Mr Grimsdale!!!! Mr Grims…daaaaaaale!!!!!!!

The Oracle has spoken. This time, he has imparted true words in the rules of engagement for that mode of communication known as “texting” – or is it txtng?

“The texting rule is: never text more than twice beforing receiving a response. If you don’t get a response after the second text they either;

a. Hate you
b. Are dead”

Job interview
Yes, the job interview, it’s tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to it. Well, looking forward to it being over and done with. It should be OK and if I don’t get it, it’s not as if I haven’t already got a job.

What am I being interviewed for? No, it’s not the job of the Holy See, but I’d soon put the Catholic church straight on a few things if I was made Pope! No disrespect to JPII (that’s what the Americans call him, similar to “9/11” and shit like that), but he didn’t do much to help the AIDS crisis in the 3rd world with his stance on contraception. As for his views on abortion, women and homosexuality? Well, they weren’t particularly useful, friendly or kind. But never mind, he had the courage of his convictions and you can’t knock people for their beliefs (but they feel it’s OK for them to knock you because of them).

But no, I’m not going to be the world’s first atheist, woman Pope. I couldn’t be doing with all that fuss to tell you the truth, and all that waving would play merry Hamlet with my dodgy shoulder. I won’t go into details about what the job interview is for (it’s not that interesting), but let’s all play a game of Imagine what you’d do if you were being interviewed for the job of:

1. Dr Who – I’d play Dr Who in the style of Bez out of the Happy Mondays. Then again, Christopher Eccelston’s not that far off.
2. Chief advisor to Tony Blair – “With all due respect, Prime Minister, you’re a lying wanker who’s crippled this country’s working and middle classes, you fucking tosser. You led us to an illegal war and helped to destabilise the Middle East. Your wife is a twat and everybody hates you and her. Do us all a favour and disband the Labour Party right now, then piss off back to Scotland where you came from.” I wouldn’t get the job, but I’d have fun trying.
3. A member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.

I can’t think of any other jobs at the moment. I can’t think of anything because I’m too stressed about my own job interview! Deep breaths…. It’ll be fine.

Today is a very special day for me and only 2 people in the world know it (I’m one of them). I’m going to celebrate by buying some feminine items from Tesco.

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right.”