My gob will surely get me into terrible trouble one day. I’m sure it has been the main contributory factor in my general failure to climb the career ladder at work (but on a one-rung ladder, that’s not a great problem).
Skip to the end…
I have a terrible habit of taking people’s understanding of me for granted and making jokes. Today’s was throwing in a “skip to the end” as a colleague was telling us all a bit of a long-winded story. Not a boring story by any stretch of the imagination, but a touch convoluted. I wasn’t at all bored with what she was saying, but I couldn’t help interrupting with a “are we nearly there yet?” comment.
What is wrong with me? Luckily she knows I’m taking the piss, but I’m going to do that to the wrong person one day; like the Director when he’s telling us all something really important, droning in, “blah, blah, blah, blah …” like Charlie Brown’s teacher in Peanuts.
“And the really important thing for us is to ensure that we’re in the position to make a really good bid where we stand a chance of real success instead of expending our energis on lots of minor…..”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake man! What’s your fucking point???”
“My point, Tina, is that we won’t have enough funds to staff the department…”
“And…. we’re waiting….”
“…department at current levels and we’re going to have to be making redundancies based on a number of criteria!”
Ho hum.
Date
Some kind soul has suggested that I sign up to an online dating agency. Working in cahoots with Clicky, Whinger has come up with a profile to upload somewhere. Here it is:
Crazy Hair Seeks Non-Crazy
About Me, What I’m Looking For
I am a single professional with a biting wit. I am skeptical of true love, but am willing to give it a go for the sake of filling the nights. I am interested in finding someone who loves a good gripe about the everyday annoyances, and can hold her own in conversation. I am not interested in those who make life overly complicated: there is no need for a toaster when one has a broiler, there are correct ways of doing the dishes, and driving rules must be observed.
For fun:
Taking the piss out of others.
Favorite things:
My lovely felines (I swear, I SWEAR I’m not THAT lesbian), Pepsi products, my computer, and irritating the inbred neighbors.
Now, the question is, should I sign up for a dating thing and post a profile? Would blog world help identify my better attributes? How about holding some online auditions of potential dates right here?
Could you imagine me on a date? Bloody hell. I could imagine me eating some dates, but on a date? With like a real life person? What do you do if you’re not enjoying it and you need to get out of there? What if somebody you know sees you???
Oh God, I don’t think I can cope! Gets me all agitated.
The Snoring Dog 
Do you not fancy being ‘courted’ then?!
Cakesniffing Tina,
SUPER BLOGGERS CLUB
Needs You!
Well yes, it’d be nice, but you sort of assume that you’d have gentle introduction to somebody, get to know them, realise you like them, start going out, that sort of thing. I think the dating agency thing is a bit like throwing yourself in with too many expectations and stuff.
Oh go for it. What can you lose? At least if you meet a beast you’ll have some great stories. I went on a blind date with a bird who looked like my mum’s sister once. ended up sending her a text message meant for my friend. Think she got the idea I wasn’t keen.
What if I meet a beast that I fucking worth with? There are plenty of them. Why can’t more women be queer, for fuck’s sake? Then again, the women I work with (essentially the only people i ever really speak to) aren’t really what you’d call my type anyway.
I think I’m going to take holy orders.
There’s poof girls all over the shop! Don’t take holy orders, it’d be a terrible waste.
Oh for fucks sake, just get yourself down to the local lesbo pub and see which minge grabs your fancy!
Easier and easy to escape from.
Dating sites are for sad wankers.
Waste of what? Don’t you think I’d look good in a habit?
‘Don ‘t you think I’d look good in a habit?’
We’ll see later tonight if you look good in one …or not!
*fires up photoshop*
Oh Christ! What have I done??? Not the mother superior treatment, please!!!!!
Thanks for that! I knew it’d take a bloke to bring some reasoning to this debate.
No…
More like ‘Two Mules For Sister Sara’
He’s right although I don’t think Salford has any lesbo pubs does it?
You could always see what dregs are trawling the new union!
trump – She’s right next to Manchester for fucks sake.
It’s full of lesbo’s for her to choose from.
Dirty predatory cunts.
I’ll just have to take myself off down canal street I suppose.
Two mules, Jesus help me.
The online dating is SO much easier than the regular. For one, you can weed people out without the awkward face-to-face interaction.
Just give it a go. What’s the very worst that could happen? Don’t you know what your co-workers look like? The online sites post pictures, y’know.
Oh yeah, and “dregs” – nice! Thanks.
See she’s got the idea already!
It’ll be easy to find where she’s gone looking – just follow the trail!
Slug-like.
I’m going to get you two over here and you can pick somebody out from these hoardes of eligible women you are so certain exist here.
This is going downhill v fast.
Thanks Whinger. I think I may post something just to see what happens.
You’d think with all of the poofs that come by here, just one of them might show a bit of interest. Then again, perhaps I give a bit too much away here…
yeah, get yourself in Vanilla. Prime spot for twats!
One of my friends has registered me at Vanilla online! I think people are getting fed up of me being single.
Twats or twats?
‘What’s the very worst that could happen?’
Erm… she could get murdered by a psycho who looks nothing like their on-line pic!
Yay!
This years first blogger funeral is one the way!
*looks for pink tie*
Vanilla online? Shouldn’t it be ‘Fish online’?
Or maybe ‘Fish to go!’
or ‘Go Fish!’
there you go then. You’re guaranteed a proper twat, albeit one in designer gear.
or looks like your mum’s sister
You could always have a go at converting our Stephanie!
And she’s still a virgin!
And she works in a hospital, so you’ve already got something in common.
Well, two things.
Actually that’d be four then.
or 3 and 9/10th in your case.
Nobody’s really doing much to sell this to me.
I think P&T should come for a night out with me and look after me. Although Vanilla is women only, so I don't know how I'd get you in. Perhaps if you lost the facial hair and had more piercings, they wouldn't notice the difference anyway Piggy.
Is her mums sister ugly then, trump?
Figures really, I suppose.
I bet she likes pussy’s too, the dirty fucker.
But don’t lesbo places let male ‘friends’ accompany the wimmin?
Most of them I’ve been to do.
Obviously, or I wouldn’t have been to them.
Fucking scary places.
I was the most feminine person in them.
Yeah!!! Stephanie is ever such a nice-looking girl. I’m sure she’d love a night out in Manchester. And the way she was looking at me in that photo – you know, she was looking at me, nobody else, me. With those, “Oi oi, you looking at me a bit whatsit?” eyes.
And the smell of cat piss was overwhelming.
Yeah, I think so, although I went into one lesbian place that was a bit funny about letting blokes in. Well it wasn’t, but they made blokes pay a contribution to their sponsored “charity” as an entrance fee and women got in for free.
That’s the one thing I like about dyke places…
So charitable.
And scary.
And all in therapy.
~.~.~.lays on green grass peering up at blue sky~.~.~.~
Oh, wait – wrong planet, sorry.
Would you get over yourself, Tina, and just do it. Although if you did meet somebody nice you might actually start having a life and all. God forbid.
Oh yeah, it’s so true! The number of lesbians I know who have all been in therapy after breakups is quite startling. Very sensitive us girls, you see, and the lesbian relationship is almost like the ultimate in trust, so when it goes wrong, it all falls apart. Either that, or there are a lot of gay women who are weak and crazy.
Oi! Mouth! Ok then, I fucking will do it. Eventually. It’s just that I know that my boss is looking out of me on Gaydar Girls (I’m not there) and I have to be careful because I don’t want to appear too sad.
Match.com has a girl for girl section as well. I would look for you, but don’t know your postal code.
And she won’t be murdered if she meets prospective dates in public places.
Just be suspicious of those who want to meet in dark alleys, Tina.
OK whinger, I’m going to take a look now. You know I’d like to say thanks for making me at least think about it – it’s all too easy to plod along and hope somebody will e-mail themselves to you. And it’s easy to be cynical too, isn’t it Oink?
You seem to know a lot about this internet dating business for somebody who’s living in wedded bliss…
Okay, to throw our oar in… theres always gaydargirls.com (or it might be .co.uk, i’m not sure).
Although that’s probably only used for a bit of pussy slurping and other filthy stuff.
Just make sure you wash it first.
Cynical? Moi?
Yeah, like I said, I’m a bit wary of gaydar girls because I know my boss is a regular visitor as she tries to track me down. And she was saying last week that it’s full of 14 year olds who have had more sexual partners than her!
If you do take Holy Orders you won’t go short of minge there. We had lesbian nun teachers at school.
I could never understand why the girls never had cruising areas.
Of course I know much about the online dating. I, too, was once single, and it wasn’t so long ago. 🙂
Well, I’ve done it Whinger, I’ve created a profile and it’s been sent for approval. How very exciting. I forgot to take the swearing out of the text that you wrote (yes, I used it) – do you think they’ll bin it?
Tell us how to find it then! Then we can all sign up too and send you messages. Think of the fun you’ll have trying to work out which messages are real and which are from us. Talk about exciting!
We need someone to take the piss out of.
Of course, maybe Gawd has decided that it’s your destiny to be a spinster.
Yes, that’s it. Your future is as a toothless old hag that the kids down the street will torment in your senile years.
That’d be ace!
That’s what it’s like anyway, bloody bastard kids.
My profile is currently being approved. You’ll have to try to pretend to be a lesbian to come and find me.
Good job Whinger.
Tina, don’t listen to the oh so cynical ones. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
*joins up in 30 different names*
What happened to the manager then??
Did you not hit it off with her?
Did your tactics not work?
Well a work place fling with a married woman is probably not a good idea and it never even approached getting that far – purely professional. However, once I’m fully recovered, we’re having our big gay bash in town and we might have a bit of fun, but i doubt it.