A few months ago, a Vanity Fair issue had an article on the history of the horror film genre. One “must see” film that was mentioned was Wes Craven’s very first effort The last house on the left. Described as “the film that started a genre”, I thought I’d take a look at it and bought the fucking thing without reading the IMDB reviews. Bugger me. Let’s just say: really, really, slow; truly disturbing, but mixed with the most bizarre Benny Hill sequences.
We didn’t get to the end of it. No doubt there’d have been a sing-song finale with people waving body parts.
If anybody wants my copy, let me know and you can have it.
Jeez.
The last hobbit cave on the left
Of course, we have our very own Last house on the left here chez Trumpsniffers. Ours is adorned with all sorts of horrific accoutrements of shite; an inside-out torture chamber designed to assault the last resistant fibres of good taste.
We’re racking our brains, trying to think of something that’s not illegal that we can do to it when we leave. Our first instinct was to cut down the windchimes and post them back to them, bit by bit – criminal damage/kidnap/torture; it wouldn’t look good on my next police check. Besides, I don’t think there’s ever a time when at least one of them isn’t looking out of their front window, spying on the street to see who pauses for a millisecond too long near THEIR parking space. I’m tempted to hire a company to paint their very own parking bay for them – you know how some houses have a disabled bay marked outside their homes, this special one would be identified by the word “cunt”. But the expense!
Oh, what can we do? We’re chucking out a load of pans when we go and Trump has suggested we tie strings to the handles and donate them anonymously with a note explaining that they might like some more jangly shit to hang from their house.
Or should I just post their address and postcode here so all the good people in Blogworld can donate any old shit that they want to get rid of? I know a film they might like…
New toy
Soon enough, I’ll be able to post a Youtube clip of Trump playing with her new ukulele, but not yet; she’s not quite got the hang of Toxic and she wants to be able to put in a virtuoso performance for her fans.
I’m not referring to the new vaccum cleaner we bought last week either. I mean, what can you say about a bloody vacuum cleaner? NOISY!
No, the new toy to which I refer is this:
It’s all part of our efforts to be tidier once we get into Bellend Towers. So the big component stereo system is going into Trump’s play room, along with the gazillion CDs that she owns. Although we’ll never be the sorts of people to buy an expensive shelving unit and not put anything on it a la Grand Designs (what’s the fucking point in doing that?), minimising the items stored to just books will be OK.
We’d been impressed with a Bose system that our friends had, but not so impressed with its £300 price tag (or the fact that it was just an iPod dock), so when an Amazon search came up with this for £100, it seemed like a relative bargain.
Now all I need to do is get some music on Trump’s iPod that I like.
The Snoring Dog 
If you have a playroom you simply must have a pool table and a Space Invaders machine.
We’d have one of those table consoles if we had the money and room, but we haven’t, so don’t mention it again!
I’d love a space invaders table. Maybe we could get one and put a table cloth on it? I think they’re about £1,000. Sniiiiiiiiiff??!
I really think blogworld should send the hobbits some gifts. Nothing nasty, like turds, but just little amusements to keep them a wondering.
Yes, some nice “gifts” for the hobbits in the last house on the left!
I look forward to seeing the vid of Trump playing with her musical toy.
I’m assuming it’s a silent movie?
Please let it be so.
Galaxian would be better than Space Invaders, or Asteroids.
Millipede would be best of all.
Pac Man would top everything.
Pleeeeeeeease Sniff, can we have one?
Pacman was my fave (I could complete it, much to the amusement arcade managers annoyance as I stood there for 2 hours and only 10p).
Galaxians is second fave.
Millipede I was shite at.
I was quite good at Gorf, Defender and Phoenix though.
Sniffy – Just download a copy of Pacman and see if it shuts her up.
I say pah to pacman.
What you want is Donkey Kong. Nothing is quite as satisfying as standing on the top rung of a ladder dumping stuff on an Eyetie.
Donkey Kong was easily my most HATED game.
That and Tank Command.
It’s all irrelevant; we’re not having one. I’m sure she has pacman on one of her four games consoles.
Ooooooh! Get Sniffy being all butch and masterful!
Boo hiss!
Spoilsport.
Yes please on the DVD – I’ll send in onwards when I’m done.
Let her get the PACMAN table – think how ace that would be, you’re having dinner and when done someone asks, ‘ what’s for pudding?’, whip off the table cloth and voila!!! PACMAN!!
Cooooolllllll!!!!!
Ok herge, send me your address then and I’ll stick it in the post (the DIV, not the Pacman table).
Will do – you’ll have to be quick mind, only in Brighton for another few weeks.
Noice.