In readiness for the party that I’m attending on Saturday, I have been working slavishly on getting a suitable ensemble together. I’m sure all the attendees at the event will be able to tell at an instant that spent all of thirty seconds on Amazon sourcing my outfit, then another two at Asda identifying suitable undergarments.

When somebody invites you to a fancy dress party in your forties, you might be mistaken in thinking that your options are limited. No pirates, spacemen or red indians at my age, Nazis are a complete no-no, but what better accompaniment to Nazis than their good Catholic friends the priests and the nuns? I’m going as a Nazi nun!

My outfit arrived at the weekend and it shows all the quality of its £10 pricetag. Made of pure nylon, it carries enough static to wipe out any sensitive electronic device and will melt in a ball of flames should it go within two metres of a naked flame. I will of course be embellishing my outfit with finest of authentic rosary beads, bought from the shop at the top of St Peter’s in Rome, don’t you know. I will look very much the part if I can keep my wimple in place… and if I avoid naked flames.

I’ll be wearing “jeggings” beneath my habit. I’d almost gone as far as buying leggings on my visit to Asda earlier, but that scenario was just too ironic, what with just about all the female shoppers in there wearing them as they ate their chips while stuffing their trolleys full of lambrini and frozen ready meals.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, whoever you are
For the past week or so, I’ve been engaged in an e-mail exchange with a woman who contacted me through one of those introductions websites. I don’t know what her proper name is, I haven’t seen a photo of her, she sort of does a similar job to me and even worked in my faculty at one point. All I know now is that she’s based in Yorkshire and that she dislikes the notion of “lesbians”, i.e. women who put their sexuality first and foremost, as much as I do.

A few months ago, I mentioned that, if I ever dated again, I’d like it to be with essentially myself. Errrm…

I doubt this will go as far as dating. We might meet and that will probably be it for a number of reasons – one being that I don’t know her name and another being that I’ve no idea what she looks like. She also confessed today that she’s the sort who eats things in supermarkets before paying for them, well, I’m sorry, but no, just no.

Still it’s always nice to encounter somebody new I suppose, so long as it doesn’t involve expending too much energy and I don’t have to let them into my house to mess it up.

In other news
In other news, Heinz soups have gone up at Asda. They’re now 4 for £3 instead of 50p each.

In other other news, it was such a beautiful day today. The sun shone in a cloudless sky, the day was crisp and fresh and full of promise that spring isn’t far away.

It almost put me in the mood to grab my guitar and run up a hillside and sing my lungs out. I imagine that if I ran up a hillside in my current state of fitness that I’d throw my lungs out, quickly followed by my guts and eyeballs.