My favourite outfit invariably includes a pair of jeans.  Sturdy, always in fashion, often comfortable, denim jeans worn in conjunction with the correct items of clothing can be smart, casual, scruffy, useful; they’re fantastic.

I’ve enjoyed a variety of styles of jeans over the years: (distress) flares during the seventies; skinny fit in the early eighties; pin-striped (horrendous); stone-washed; snow-washed (ohmygawdhowfuckinghorrible); baggy; slouch; bootcut; low-rise; boyfriend fit; with or without patch pockets, button pockets, buckles, turn-ups, holes.

The fabric can be hard-wearing utility-type denim, or softer cotton (generally in cheaper supermarket jeans), even corduroy, which – with my thunderous thighs – gives that odd rubbing sound as you walk along.

They come in a variety of colours too.  Even classic blue jeans can be dark blue, blue-black, faded.  But I have recently come to one conclusion, denim jeans must always come in blue and never, EVER black.

Oh for fuck’s sake, Derek Acorah on Most Haunted is such a fucking drama queen fraud.  Jesus H Christ on a fucking bike.

Anyway, back to black jeans.  They’re awful.  Even the smartest, most expensive pair of black jeans always a) looks shite straight away, or b) fades into a dull grey that just looks scruffy and horrible, reminiscent of something a stinking student should be wearing with a baggy jumper and Doc Marten boots.

Obviously, students these days are much more fashion-savvy than they were in my day.  Or perhaps it was just me, always too nerdy to even notice what was fashionable or even looked good.  I can’t even tell what colours are supposed to go together, or what colour combinations you can get away with, and those that should be avoided at all costs.  Does a navy blue jumper go with brown trousers?  Who knows?  I don’t. I love navy blue, but I’m never too sure as to what it goes with.  Certainly not black, but grey?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that beige goes with EVERYTHING.  It’s the most fantastic colour for a jumper or a cardigan, that I always have at least one beige v-neck jumper and a cardigan in my wardrobe.  The beige v neck can be worn with a navy or black t shirt, or a white one, or a dark brown one, or, errm a green one?  The same beige v neck can provide the perfect accompaniment for any colour of open-necked shirt.  I think.

My gallery of beige:

Oh the fucking WordPress gallery has cocked it up again.  Bollocks to it.

But you see how my relationship with the beige jumper tailed off from 2006 onwards?  Well, I think that’s because I thought I should get down with the kids (Jo) and try other colours.  I tried jumpers blue, maroon, black, pink, brown, errrm, that’s about it really, I’m not that adventurous.  And it was during this period that my love of hooded tops developed.  Remember the hooded tops?

I think I have another four in addition to those ones.  God, I was skinny back then.  And happy.

Fucking wimmin.

Bring on the trumpets!