I had to take my car to the garage today.  Now that I don’t do that much motorway driving, and since I barely achieve more than a 20mph crawl in the local roads, it was a bit of a surprise when I finally reached 60mph on a journey to Norfolk last week that my car felt like it was going to vibrate to the point of exploding like a clown car at the circus.  The sensible thing to do in these circumstances is to tootle along at a speed that’s comfortable, but me being me, I figured on the washing machine spin-cycle principle and accelerated through the wheel vibration to an ear-splitting speed of 80mph in an attempt to prevent my wrists and elbows dislocating.

Wheels rebalanced – they were way out, apparently – good old Gracie should be in fine fettle to transport me to Wales this weekend.  I’d love to have a new car.  One that doesn’t creek and clunk.  One that isn’t already way past its best by the time I get behind the wheel.  One that doesn’t give me the heebie-jeebies every time the smell of burning hits my olfactory senses while I’m sitting in traffic.

But this month brings a bit of excitement and a nice big hire car to Sniffyworld! I’m off to Ireland on a road trip with that foul-fucking-mouthed Canuck April Pissoff, her daughter “and then you saw me dead” Sacha and my friend, the half-Irish Sinead (who is in charge of diplomatic relations).

Normally, when driving around the UK, I like to wing it re directions and just follow road signs after checking out a route to my destination on the maps app on my phone.  Occasionally, I use my phone as a sat nav if I fear getting horribly lost, but it’s reliant on a decent data connection and this is always a bit of a gamble with my mobile provider – yes, that’s you, Vodafone.  Needless to say, I’m reluctant to use my entire data roaming allowance just getting out of the car park at the car hire place in Dublin, so I’ve done something that I said I’d never do.  I have bought a sat nav.  Yes, I’m a fucking hypocrite, but at least I admit this as I’m typing away on one of my many Apple devices (have you seen the new MacBook Pro? Beautiful! And no, I don’t have one, but I’d like one).

I really do hate sat navs though; the way drivers are so reliant on the out of date instructions from a machine, rather than using their eyes and common sense. But, a) it’s a gadget and b) it’s a gadget! And there’s nothing I love more than having a gadget that tells me what to do in a sanctimonious voice.  She’s called Serena, this one, and I just know that she’s going to be getting right on my tits by the time I hit the M62 when I test her out on my trip to Wales at the weekend.  

The alternatives are “Kate” and “James”, who I think are still in the bitter phase after recently coming out of a long term relationship.  Their acrimony will be all too evident as they issue instructions:

“Take the A6 Broad Street and stay in the left hand lane onto Albion Way… of course, that fucker James in his big car for a small cock would say to take the M602 and Regent Road then A57(M), but that’s just because he likes to sit in crawling traffic with his hands down his pants, trying to find his amoeboid balls.  You could go that way if you like, but if you go the way I say and down Liverpool Street, you can cut through the retail park and pick up a quinoa salad from Sainsbury’s for your lunch”.

“Follow the M602 and stay in the right hand lane for A57, Regent Road.  Katie will be stuck in traffic on Albion Way right now, but that suits her because she can take the time to cover herself in slap while Facebooking that slag Serena.  She said there wasn’t anybody else, but I know she’d be exploring Serena’s ‘Let’s go along the Crescent and through town and past Canal Street so we can have a look at the girls coming out of Vanilla’ route.  Take an immediate left into the Irwell and fuck off and die”.

Despite my apprehenhions of in-car navigation, it can’t be any worse than having my mother say out the name of every Welsh town that we pass en route, with added Welsh accent.  It’s going to be a very long two hours. 

Llanfairfechan off.