Firstly, don’t be worried about this post, I thought everyone knew that I’ve been having a breast lump looked at. I’ve had it for years and it’s nothing to worry about. This is the story of my second trip to th’ospital today.
Secondly, for something far more interesting and better written than this, check out what Garfer has to say on the latest in the UK-Canada “Hands across the sea” cultural exchange at Tunnock’s Teacakes Forever.
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It’s not often that a girl gets the opportunity to have an in-depth look at her own norks, but I did today.
Having a mammogram has to be one of the most uncomfortable things that a woman can go through. The radiographer stands you in position, pulls you about, moves your arms around and handles your breasts like they’re lumps of dough (that’s what mine are like). And then they get squished to fuck as the x-ray is taken.
It’s quite weird because they’re squashed between bits of transparent perspex, so you can see them in their flattened state. Weird. I’d heard that it was agonisingly painful, but I just found it uncomfortable and embarrassing. Then again, my mum’s chest is a lot more substantial than mine so there’s a lot more to squish in.
It’s all very odd because you have to stand there, naked from the waist up, and talk to this complete stranger as if it’s perfectly normal to have your tits out. Fucking horrible.
Anyway, because it’s all digital and snazzy (quite new equipment, apparently), you get to see the images instantly. And there they were: left and right Snifferbaps top and side-on. They actually looked a decent shape for a change (I wonder if Marks’s are thinking of doing perspex “Mammosquash” bras as the latest trend in foundation garments?).
And there it was: my lump. It looked really big, surprisingly so, and I actually got a bit scared, but I had no time to dwell because the next humilation awaited me: Ultrasound.
Radio gaga
I think radiologists are having a laugh. These people are 21st century soothsayers – don’t let their hitech equipment fool you. How on earth they can fathom anything from that grey messiness is beyond me. It’s like looking at an out of tune TV, but there they are, saying that “it’s 1.7cm, with a pointed top and it’s nice and defined at the bottom edge…. “
????
I’m sure they make it up.
Thank fuck for histology, that’s all I can say, I haven’t a clue how they get anything remotely useful from an ultrasound. They must be very skilled people, or they’re all LIARS, CHARLATANS, IMPOSTERS!!!! Imposters with jelly on their hands (that stuff is very cold and it gets everywhere).
Anyway, all the histology has come back as benign and the radiologist was happy with it too, although she did say “It’s nice and well defined underneath, but it’s in the grey area between something and something else (I was in Charlie Brown mode and not paying attention – it’s difficult to concentrate with gel on your tits) up here, but that’s probably where the biopsy was taken”. Y’what?
But it seems OK, which is what I knew anyway. I think.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a copy of the mammogram, I should’ve asked them to e-mail to me so I could post it for you all to see. This’ll have to do instead:
Fuuuuuuuck, this was almost like a proper blog post. I apologise, it won’t happen again.
The Snoring Dog 
