You work four years in a hospital and you never meet anybody that you know. You go there for an appointment and you bump into two folk. After the usual niceties, the inevitable question, “So, what are you here for?”

“None of your fucking business, now piss off. And you tell a soul that you’ve seen me? I’ll burn your fucking house down!”

After a traumatic visit to th’ospital, I was overcome with fatigue and spent the evening collapsed on a friend’s sofa. Feeling pretty shit, under the weather and not at my best as I apprach my mid-thirties, I think I might need a “pick-me-up”. Here’s some womanly advice from Frankly feminine…

The woman who wants the best all worlds knows the importance of the right food. She knows that good health, tireless energy, a perfect skin and a lissom figure can all be the result of eating food in the right quantities.

A thoroughly balanced diet with just the right amounts of vitamins, minerals, bulk, fat, proteins and carbohydrates is the first step to vitality, and so the first step to beauty. [So curry two nights on the run is a definite no-no then?]

I’ll skip the bits about “Strength from proteins”, “Warmth from fats” and “Energy from carbohydrates” and get straight to:

The vital vitamins
“…A good, well-balanced diet will provide all the vitamins needed for health and beauty.

Vitamin A is for glamour. We say this because it is the vitamin which gives a smoth, glowing skin and bright, sparkling eyes. It is also an important vitamin medically, for it helps to fight colds, flu and bronchitis as well as chatarrh and night-blindness.

Vitamin B is a fatigue fighter. It helps to relieve nervous tension, certain types of neuralgia and rheumaticky pains. It also gives you extra vitality.

Vitamin C is an infection fighter. It is also a booster for clear, smooth skin.

And last, but not least..

Vitamin D is for brightness and dazzle. It makes your teeth gleam, hair healthy and bones strong but supple, so it s a must for growing children as well as for mothers to be. You will find it in salmon, cod liver and halibut liver oil, fish, dairy, blah, blah, mushroom??… blah, blah, and – delightfully – in sunshine.

So there you go. I’d have loved to have put those answers down in my biology and biochemistry exams as a student.

Q24 Describe the properties and biochemical pathways involving vitamin D.

A Vitamin D can be obtained from a number of dietary inputs, but it is delightful to note that an important source is Mr Sunshine. Vitamin D interacts with a number of genetically-related receptors whereby stimulation results in activation of calmodulin and in a Ca2+ cascade in the cytoplasm… nuclear receptors and shit like that. The overall result of Vitamin D stimulation of its receptor upregulation of systemic brightness and dazzle factors.

I think I can conclude that working too much, eating the wrong things, not getting enough sleep or exercise and reaching your mid-thirties can definitely result in significant loss of brightness and dazzle.

Blue is a colour that’s used to describe quite a few things: you can be “feeling a bit blue”; watching a “bluey”; and something might actually be blue in colour as in Trois couleurs, bleu.

So what about blue tooth?

Bluetooth.
What the fuck is all that about? What would the term “Bluetooth” convey if you’d never heard of it in connection with anything else? Probably rotten dental work. Gone-off amalgam fillings, that sort of thing. It certainly wouldn’t provoke thoughts of reliable, secure, wireless communication. And in fact, Bluetooth is none of those things!

Fucking shite. Having numerous experiences of bluetooth mobile phone headset troubles, I encountered another difficulty with this shit technology this evening transferring files between phones. Stupid thing kept killing my phone half way through a transfer. Bloody rubbish.

Could be my phone I suppose. Any excuse for an upgrade.

I wonder what people wrote whinging blogs about before there was any technology? Plague and pestilence, death in childbirth, dried eggs and rationing, invading armies of Vikings or Romans or the French – oh silly me, the French never actually did that well did they? Actually if you do a Google search for “French military victories” and hit “I’m feeling lucky”, you get a great result:

You do this search at work and the IT Nazi Bastard Police block the page and log that you’ve tried to access it. Yeah, like it’s on a par with hardcore kiddie fiddling porn, isn’t it?

Harry Potter is getting quite good btw.

Pussy with a purpose: just look at that determined expression

Anyway, cats are pretty useless as flycatcher generals and they just tend to take the odd swipe at the buzz-bombs after pursuing them with their concentrated gaze. Cats also do that “ack, ack, ack” thing when watching their quarry; it must help the concentration. Or perhaps it’s like some sort of yogic mantra that helps them reach the higher state of conciousness required for giving up on the chase and having a bowl of Felix instead.

So Sonny gave up on the fly when he heard activity in the kitchen (can’t blame him really), leaving me to deal with the pestilent presence in my room. Having almost given up hope of getting the fucker, I seized my opportunity when the foolish insect landed between the folds of my curtains. BLAM! Gotcha. And I did, I got the bastard:

BLAM!

Unfortunately, the shot is a bit too bright to fully appreciate how the insides of this monster are spread across the tissue.

I liked this one too:

GOTCHA!

It was a bit spooky and upsetting when, despite having its innards forced out, the thing started moving, you can see that the front legs are in different positions in the two shots – this could’ve been something to do with the heat of the bedside lamp. But I actually felt sorry for it and gave it a final squish to make sure it was dead.

I bet Blogworld can’t wait till I get my NEW camera that has a super macro mode with a 0cm focal length. That’s right! I’ll be able to take photos of things that are actually on the lens. I love Canon.

If I had a post on “things that irritate me” full stop, we’d be here forever. In fact, this whole blog is heavily weighted towards the things that send my blood pressure through the roof, so there’s no point in trying to fit it all in here. There are some things that I do, some things about me – they physical me – that really piss me off. Here are some of them:

• Low self confidence. I am good at most things that I do and I’m very clever, but I display remarkable lack of self confidence at times. I think this is because I’m too lazy to tell people how good I am and I expect them to do it for me.
• Physical crapness. After years of not looking after myself, now that I want to I can’t because my body keeps failing on me. Last week was my knee, today is my hip that has gone for no reason whatsoever.
• Leaving the tap running while brushing my teeth.
• Chewing the dry skin around my fingernails and making them bleed.
• Terrible temper.
• Not being bothered with people. I’m a bit of a misenthrope actually. Can you be a “bit” of a misenthrope? Hrrm, I hate most people, so I suppose you can. I don’t have much time for many of the people in my life
• Strange toilet habits
• Strange eating habits
• Crap with money
• Crap dress sense
• Rubbish eyesight
• Crooked teeth
• Bad
• Bad
• Bad

Oh God, this is getting terrible. I’d better stop before I take an overdose. Mmmmm, codeine!

Here are some sunsets to cheer me up.

Well really! You come to check out what the good people of the Interweb have been up to and you’re confronted with this…

What cowardly and disgusting act could generate such outrage from our innocent Cakesniffer?

UNNATURAL FILTH

That nasty little LEZBO, Connie and the “companion” in her abhorrent and unnatural relationship have obviously grown tired of whatever it is those women get up to, and have turned their attentions on me. ME! Of all people!!!!

I am shocked and appalled.

What women like that need is the love of a man in a real relationship. Well, I say love, they need a man to look after and to tend their every need. That would keep their attentions diverted from such dizgussting and ungodly thinking.

I was going to spend this afternoon reading the latest installement in the Harry Potter series, but I’m afraid Harry will have to wait. I need to consult Frankly feminine to see what they’d recommend when it comes to unwanted attention from “gays” (and that used to be such a nice word until they stole it from us!). Unfortunately, I don’t think that sort of person existed before Channel 4 TV, so I might have to improvise.

Right,

“Relationships”: pp185-224.
“Happy with life….” “Happy with people…”

Ok, I’m getting somewhere

The right approach… Be willing… Too “sensitive”… Expecting too much… Sentimentality… Men – people… Proceed with caution… Independence… Tact… Giving in… Women friends

BINGO!

“Women friends: Men are wonderful… but they don’t provide us with quite the same deep understanding as another woman. You can work off a lot of steam on your own sex [blimey, how liberated!]. Women really enter into our problems, will listen by the hour (whereas men won’t at all). They stand up for and encourage us, minimise our misfortunes, offer us a helping hand [!] – and we don’t always have to try to look our best for them.

Sound, women’s friendships (the seeds of which must be sown in youth for deep attachments are more difficult to form later and need a background of shared experience) provide a great deal of happiness… and are one of the best insurances for later years.”

Fuck me, if I’m reading that right, it’s saying that, even if you’re in a relationship with a bloke, you can get steamy with women too and they’ll regularly wank you off. Better still, even if you’re straight, keep close to your female companions because you’ll probably turn queer later on in life anyway!

Well I never. I bought that book in all good faith, thinking it’d help be turn into a proper lady, but it seems even back then, those bloody women were everywhere, influencing young girls’ minds.

I might have to go and have a lie down.

I was checking to see who’d been sniffing around and look at this:

Ahhhh-HAH! The Finnish are comin’.

I found this wonderful book on the charity table at work today. I was so impressed that I donated £1 for it. First published in the UK in 1965, Frankly Feminine is a “book of comprehensive information and advice for the woman of today”.

Strange then that when I showed it to my mum and my sister, both their reactions were to assume that it was some lesbian porn book. Seriously, Mum said, “That’s not a book about those women, is it?” and my sister came out with, “Have you been borrowing books from that librarian Denise again?”. Honestly! Would anybody seriously come out to their mother by proudly showing them a book of librarian pornography??? Christ, my family!

Anyway, Frankly Feminine is going to transform my life. I’m going to work through each of its sections, one by one. Here’s what’s covered:

• Beauty
• Dress sense
• Manners up to date
• Personal relationships
• Homemaking
• Cookery
• The family
• Entertaining
• Great wide world
• Lifelines

Well, I don’t need all of the beauty tips because I’m gorgeous anyway. However, my posture is tragic, so I’m going to take some advice on that front:

First, I need to undergo the Test for a straight back:

1. Do you walk on eggs? Not if I can help it
2. Do you lead with your chin? I think I tend to lead with my forehead
3. Are you a hip-thrower? With hips the size of mine, I can’t help it!
4. Are you a shoe-shuffler? Depends on the shoes
5. Do you wear “flats” all day? I sense a disapproving tone with this one
6. Are you a chair fidget or a slumper? Slumper
7. How do you stand? Corrected, most of the time
8. Can you walk with a book on your head? Who can’t??

Gosh, who’d have thought being a modern woman could be so complicated? This book has over 500 pages to work through. It could take me some time, but we could do it together?

Good Lord, I’ve just seen sections on Exploring Paris and How to be a better driver. Life’s essential lessons for any modern girl!

Milk comes in a variety of vessels:

• Cows
• Churns
• Tankers
• Glass bottles
• Cardboard cartons
• Plastic bottles

Plastic bottles can be sealed by two common methods: a tag around the outside of the lid; or a waterproof seal inside the lid that covers the top of the bottle itself. The latter is generally not too difficult to remove completely, thus allowing full flow of the milky goodness from the bottle.

I came to put milk in my coffee this morning and found this:

It looks like somebody’s taken the trouble to use a sharp knife to cut around the inside of the seal. You can see the tag. Even in its mangled state, it’s easy enough to remove the fucking thing. See!

God, my blood pressure today.