It was the League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse and it was fucking top notch!

There was this bit where Mr Chinnery wanked off a giraffe….

Sorry, it’ll be worth the weight.

Edit: “Worth the weight”???? I meant worth the wait. Told you I was tired. I’m worth my weight in Pick and Mix – not Asda Pick and Mix, which isn’t up to much; real, proper Woolies Pick and Mix.

The cinema is a weird place.

I’ve just come back from one.

The film was good.

I shall contruct a full and creative post tomorrow. Too tired now.

I’ve been over to Leeds this evening. Driving back on the motorway, I saw two things worth comment:

Firstly, I was behind a wagon that was transporting Coffeemate – a non-dairy coffee whitening powder that is simply delish! I was left pondering how long it’d take me to use a whole wagon load of Coffeemate. I think it’d be approaching a lifetime.

The next thing I saw had me gasping in shock. It’s midsummer day here (is it midsummer everywhere in the northern hemisphere today?) and, I don’t know what bearing this has on things, but there was quite a good sunset over the Pennines around Huddersfield. Anyway, I noticed that a woman had stopped in the hard shoulder of the other carriageway and was taking photos of the sunset. How fucking mad is that? I know it was a good viewing point but with things flying by at up to 100mph, it’s probably not the safest. Daft twat.

That’s all for today; I’m too tired and it’s too late for me to be creative. Work is pissing me off and stressing me out and my tits look fucking terrible over at Connie’s knockerific contest.

Having assassinated a selection of British stars of stage and screen – plus Tiger Tim Henman and Sir Cliff Richard, not forgetting Sirs Ellen McArthur, Kelly Holmes and Tanni Gray Thompson – I thought I’d take a bit more time to nominate a few more twats from the British Isles for execution in my Snifferlution.

Are there any more left?

Of course there are!

How’s about:

Sir Paul McCartney
What an embarrassing bloke; it’s like having your dad acting the rock star. Everything about him is just wrong, wrong, WRONG! The way he wears trainers with a suit, the way he gives the victory v salute. And his music is crap.

Sir Bob Geldof
Git. He’s terribly embarrassing too. I feel he’s making a laughing stock of himself and consequently diluting the message about the help that the poorest nations of the world need.

St Bonio (aka boring old Paul Hewson)
Those glasses? Just fuck off. He and U2 lost all credibility after the Joshua Tree. I don’t really know how to place them – up their own arses seems most appropriate.

How does your garden grow?

“Well, not very well since I put that complete spack Tina in charge – she’s killed all my plants!”

Gardening
The simple Euphorbia has a lot to answer for. A few years ago, some friends gave me a sample to put in the garden after I’d asked what was good for areas where there’s not much sunlight; I was given some euphorbia cuttings.

I started digging up some of the border and weeding and stuf, to clear space for the new arrivals. That was about5 years ago and I feel as if I’ve not stopped weeding yet.

I was out in the garden today; cleared a load of weeds and lots of grass that grows in the borders from the lawn roots that grown under there. It was extremely warm and was glad when I finally gave up after three hours in the full heat of the day.

But then I had to do it. I had to ruin all my hard work for the day. There’s this plant thing that is quite effective, but has slightly taken over where it lives. So I decided to split it and put a portion in the border that I’d just cleared. I don’t think it liked having its root system hacked with a spade: neither of the two halves look particularly happy. Dead in fact:

So yes, that’s what I did today – broke my garden.

Ill-heath and the gardening Cakesniffer
Don’t believe what anybody tells you about gardening being good for your health, it’s a load of crap being spouted by the Church of the Seventh Day Titchmarshes.

First off, it makes you nervous wreck because you’re always concerned about being attacked by stinging insects and evil spiders or sucked to death by fucking slugs. Some of the things you find in the soil and beneath rocks would make you sick – straight out from a science fiction horror film. As a result, I have to wear a full biological warfare suit when in the garden, just in case one of these bastards touches me and infects me with its 0/6/8/100 leggedness.

Eeeeewwww!

I always get sunburnt when I garden. It can start off a nice cloudy day, then the next thing you know is you’ve lifted your head 3 hours laters, only to find that you can’t because the sun’s come out and you’ve burnt the back of your neck to a crisp. I’ve also burnt my arse crack and my forearms, but not my hands because I always wear gloves. It’s a winning look: bright red arms and white hands!

Fainting. I always lose track of time and forget to eat until it’s too late: I’ll stand up from a kneeling position and, after overcoming the pain in my neck and ears from the sunburn, I’ll feel faint and have to drop to my knees again. It’s quite difficult to stand when you’ve got all over body shakes and trying to get a signal into the house for somebody to bring emergency pastry supplies is almost impossible.

Immobility. I won’t be able to walk tomorrow and my shoulders will have stiffened up too.

So take it from me, gardening is rubbish.

For more images of my garden, please feel free to visit my Webshots gallery.

VAG in a …VAGina…VAGINA! Get it? No vagina in Sniffy blog!

Fuck it, don’t know what I bother for.

Anyway, I’ve set the default to Tahoma. It’s not a fontastic character, but it’s inoffensive and everybody has it installed on their machines. I say “everybody”, I’m not too sure about Macs: I had to endure an iMac in one of my jobs and it was more of an etch-a-sketch that would crash every 10 minutes and you had to bang and shake it to reboot before it’d do anything. I think its font selection was limited to: “Serious”, “Funny”, “Comic”, “Spazmo”, “Fucktard”, and “What you using letters for? This is a Mac, Mac users only use the mouse”. Luckily, it got stolen.

Secret messages
I’ve been writing a secret message to blog world and nobody’s picked up on it. It’s a good job I wasn’t desperate for somebody to save my life or something! Then again, I could’ve just called the police or written, “Oh, I think there’s an axe murderer coming for me! Please call the police somebody”, rather than leaving cryptic clues.

Let’s see what Sniff’s going on about…

You see?

EXTERMINATAMUNDOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Clickytastic.

For all of you who haven’t got VAG rounded thin, this is what my page should look like. Fuck it, it’s not even interesting and blood sugar’s too low.

I’m still a bit suss about that PI Squared blog. Or perhaps intrigued is a better word for it.

I’ve not really been checking up on it that regularly, but there’s something odd about it… more than something odd I suppose. It’s supposed to be in America, the timestamp is American, but that’s easily enough done. HOWEVER, the author uses English spellings for words. Sorry, I mean British English.

“also been round the neighbours i didn’t get to interview before – they’ve given me nothing new, except one guy who reckons he saw the truck going up the road with his binoculars from his bedroom window.”

This is consistent throughout the text. I also find it a bit odd that the first letter of a sentence isn’t capitalised; why would this be?

Now, last time I mentioned my suspicions, I said that the PI squared blog had appeared at a time that coincided with visits to the Half an identity blog from a person who I suspect to be Sam Black – Half an identity’s creator. It’s interesting to note that the web traffic site meters have now been removed from Half an identity so it’s not going to be possible to do this check again. Clever.

I just reckon the two blogs are written by the same person – Sam – who I said originally linked to another personal webpage where she wrote about her interests in creative writing and stuff.

It doesn’t matter one bit, it’s just interesting to do a little detective work of my own.

Let’s see if this shite thing works today.

Sonny the cat is quite rude – he sticks his tongue out at me a fair bit. Even worse, when he’s prowling up and down the desk here and getting excited, there’s sometimes this really horrible smelly goo that comes out of his bum. You only need a micro-droplet of it to make you feel poorly. I think it’s something to do with his male scent gland things. Disgusting.