It’s gone midnight, I should be asleep, I’m up at 5.30. Why am I not in bed? Well, I’ve been to a very enjoyable concert so I was late home from that. But apart from that, I’m FUCKING FURIOUS!

While driving home from the Tori Amos concert in Manchester, not far from home, I noticed something fly into the road from the pavement, closely followed by three pissed up blokes who were beating the shit out another pissed up bloke. There were three pissed up women having a scrap on the pavement too. The blokes ran into the path of my car and I stopped in time (unfortunately), only for them to slam into the side of me. The fell in front of the car and I waited for them to get out of the way then they fell into the other wing of my car. I was waiting for them to fuck off out of the way and one of them started giving me abuse because my car was in the way of his scrap.

I can’t tell if my car is damaged, but there are plenty of fingerprints all over the bonnet, wings and wing mirror if, by some grace of God, one of them happens to die and the coppers need some sort of evidence.

FUCKING WANKERS!

Now I don’t know if I’m supposed to call the police, or if I’ll get done for not reporting an accident or what.

I hate it round here. The people are utter scum. Next time it happens, I ain’t fucking stopping.

Don’t know what to do, somebody give me some advice.

Tori Amos was awesome.

RARRRRR I’M A BLOG: Scariest photo I’ve seen in quite some time

I’m not going to post the photo that Jim is referring to, check out his post and I’ll leave it up to you to check it out yourselves. But be warned, it really is the freakiest thing you’ll ever see.

I actually like Jim’s blog, it’s pretty insane. Go have a look at some of his stuff if you ever want a laugh.

I see there’s a Swede checking me out again….

Supermarkets are ace. Nnot only do they stock just about everything you could possibly need for modern-day living, they are also a rich source of blog fodder.

After leaving Sainsbury’s (oo-la-la), I realised that I’d forgotten bread and milk so I dropped into the local Spar here. As I was at the till, I could hear the woman behind me repeatedly asking her toddler, “Do you want some crisp?”

Crisp.

Now, “crisps” is what American folk call “potato chips”. I’m not being drawn in that argument right now, but let’s just say that the British are definitely right on this one. “Chips” are thicker lumps (as in chip off the old block) of deep fried potato. Crisps are crispy thin shavings of deep fried potato.

Whatever. Whether it’s crisps or potato chips, it’s definitely not “some crisp” or a “packet of crisp”.

I used to hear that a lot when I was a kid – schoolmates used to say it because they were fucking retarded pigshit thick tits. You don’t expect it from a grown-up with a toddler.

And what was she doing feeding that shit to a little kid anyway? She’s lucky I didn’t phone social services.

I got accosted by a German woman in the shopping centre the other day. She was selling beauty products and spa treatments and she grabbed me by the hand (oi oi!) and the next thing I knew I was having the top layer of skin taken off the back of it by her rubbing oily salt onto it really hard.

All the time, she was going on about the Dead Sea in Israel and how nothing lives there and she kept on rubbing and rubbing and I was thinking, This is starting to hurt. She washed off the salt and oil (I was on the verge of tears at this point), but I must admit that the skin on the back of my had (what was left of it) was delightfully soft. So, after a bit of hard sell, I bought a tub of this stuff – it’s a Dead Sea salt and coconut/lavender oil body scrub.

Israel eh? I swear it’s something Mossad must use to torture state enemies. A crueler treatment you could never imagine.

The thing is, if nothing grows in the Dead Sea, how can any product coming from there be good for your skin? I bet you could get a bucket of builders’ sand and mix it with oil to get the same effect.

I wonder what Ellen MacArthur’s skin is like from all that lashing from the salty seas? Perhaps lashing of salty waves from an oil slick might be analogous?…

Anyway, I’ve just checked out the Dead Sea Cosmetics website and it seems you can even buy a massive bucket of Dead Sea salt for just £21. I’m sure you can get a massive sack of road grit for much less – you can even nick it from the side of the road.


Pot Noodelicious
I love dehydrated/rehydrated foodstuffs (see Dehydrated delights) and I had a Pot Noodle for my lunch today – I certainly know how to live life to the full! Pot Noodles are ace because they’re supposed to be nasty and horrible and cheap. They even have a delicious undertone of plastic from the pot in which they’re prepared.

I am obsessive compulsive and I like to check out where the people who visit Cakesniffers come from.

If you’re reading this and you’re in Sweden with a Tiscali ISP, drop us a comment and say hello. I’m intrigued to find out who you are and if you find anything interesting here.

In the UK, if a woman does something notable, she gets knighted. You get pathetic cows who get a damehood just for getting their arses back to work after time off with “stress” due to coming over all unnecessary in the tropical fruit aisle at Sainsbury’s.

I fucking hate “Dame” Ellen “Round the world” MacArthur. What is the point of this pathetic bitch? Just piss off, for fuck’s sake. While she was doing that round the world yacht thing challenge, she was on the news every bastard night, whinging about how lonely she was and how hard it was.

Just look at her! “I’m really hard, me.” Taking on the world. Fuck right off! She wants to try and do a proper job. Does she realise how hard it is to drag yourself out of bed at 5.30 every morning to go to a shit job that doesn’t even pay enough to cover your debts? No!

Dame. “I knight thee for being a fucking whinging pain in the arse. Now fuck off, you boring cunt.”

Stupid fucking twat. She is right up there with fucking Tim Henman and Cliff fucking Richard on my hate list of people who would die if I was ever put in charge.

Fuck me, these people get on my tits. DAME Kelly Holmes, DAME Tanny Gray-Thompson (and she’s Welsh!). Arseholes.

I bought a rounders bat and ball yesterday – £7 from Tesco.

What’s rounders?

I’ll leave you to answer that question… If you can be bothered, let me know what your thoughts/memories of rounders are. Favourite field position (if you have one).

For me, it’s a game that was the cause of many an interesting injury in childhood. I suffered:

• 2 black eyes
• sprained ankle
• massive cut and lump to my forehead
• an interesting knee injury when I was run over by a horse

These all occurred when I was playing backstop. I was switched to 2nd or 3rd deep after the horse incident. I once saw a spectacular broken nose too.

And who said the English don’t know how to live dangerously?

If anybody can be fucked to think about that and post a comment, I’ll be amazed. In the meantime, I need to think about stilton legs and armpits.

BBC NEWS England West Midlands Cliff fans in car park ‘holiday’

Sorry for offending anybody with the title of this post, but it’s just the first thing that came into my head when I read the story.

Just check out the photo on Pat’s tent. I think Cakesniffing fans may have seen this before.

Now, Cakesniffers is not, not, NOT going to do anything Big Brother. However, Thursday is Popbitch digest day and I found this amusing/distressing:

Big Allah: Middle East bans Big Brother
Any of us already-tired of being drawn into pointless conversations about the new set of Big Brother wannabes should think ourselves lucky that we have the right to watch the show at all. MBC, the Middle East Broadcasting Company, spent a fortune this year making Al-Akh Al-Akhbar (Big Brother Arabia) in Bahrain but it only lasted one broadcast. Protests from Islamic clerics, – “Stop Sin Brother! No to indecency!” – took it off air.

MBC is hoping to salvage some money with a new production idea… putting a group of women with mental health issues into the Big Brother House. Which, apparently, is all right.

It’s sad. In the 80s and 90s Bahrain was a cosmopolitan place but since Dubai came and eclipsed its tourist industry (and took away the economic need to stay liberal) so Islamic conservatism has made a comeback. Then again, watching Celebrity Love Island, maybe the Mullahs are on to something after all…

After an interesting discussion about that bizarre medium, the film musical, I thought it’d be good to gauge the opinions of my trusty cakesniffing fraternity/sorority. I feel this is necessary after the afore-mentioned discussion in which my gay friend told me that she couldn’t stand musicals.

My main question is, can you be a fully-qualified librarian if you don’t like the Sound of Music?

Irrrespective of a person’s preference for cock, the Sound of Music has got everything a film lover could want. Who’d have thought that there’d ever be such a winning combination of nuns, Nazis, singing and mountains? But here we have it, the Sound of Music has got them all. What is there not to like? It’s even got Saint Julie Andrews, for fuck’s sake!

Nazis and nuns: a winning combination

Of course, another great film is The Wizard of Oz. I can’t quite understand why this has a reputation for being a favourite amongst gay folk – LOOK! Warner Brothers say it’s “family entertainment”, not “Gay entertainment”. I just think it’s a truly amazing film.

The way it starts off all sepia and old looking and truns to magical colour in Oz, it’s fantastic. I remember seeing it for the first time as a child one Christmas and I was gobsmacked. If you consider the techonology that was available at the time it was made, it really is brilliant. I don’t even think of it as a musical. That fucking witch and those horrible flying monkeys still scare the shit out of me today.

Whip crack-away!
My favourite musical of all time has to be Calamity Jane, I watched this film at every available opportunity when I was a kid. I love Doris Day and was brought up listening to her music (perhaps bitter and cynical cakesniffing bitches from hell shouldn’t admit to this).

Calamity Jane is clearly a very gay film

I always wanted one of those Calamity Jane suits.

Keep reaching for that rainbow!