If you need a little light relief from your busy office job, try this out. It took me a while to notice the fan and the wind speed.

http://www.widro.com/throwpaper.html

Colour quiz

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offence. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally. What is it about my sexual activity?? For goodness sake! Aloof, my arse.

Actual problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

Looking ahead

Doesn’t Wimbledon start soon? Is Tigrrrrrrr Tim Henman competing this year? Competing until the quarters I suppose, when he’ll dramatically forget how to punch the air in that determined way of his. Of course, it’s the punching of the air that wins matches, not hitting the ball over the net or anything. Wanker.

For an objective view of Tim’s chances in this year’s All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Association Open Championship (Wimbledon to you and me), check out my Tiger Tim Henman post from a short while ago.

People should take care of what they eat if they’re at work the next day. There’s nothing worse than coming to work and sharing a space with colleagues who’ve eaten something that comes back to haunt everyone else the following morning.

Recycled garlic and raw onion is a killer and it’s really not fair – it creates a sponge of odour on the tongue, oozes from every pore and it even finds its way out through the lungs.

Even worse is when you go into the toilet after they’ve “been” because the smell is sort of a fermented garlic/onion/sulphur combo that grabs you by the throat and throws you to the ground before kicking you in the head and stomach.

Disgusting.

We’re expected to dress and behave professionally. It’s not too much to ask to smell professionally as well

On another point, I must say the Lamb tikka saag balti I had last night was lovely. So much so that I can still taste it!

That just about sums up my day.

Terrible weather, rubbish traffic on the way here this morning (rubbish traffic for no reason other than rain), bangin’ headache, knackered and bored.

And I need a poo.

Got some work to do, but can’t be frigged.

Even my trip to Tesco was rubbish.

I might have a look through the Guardian job ads to see if anybody’s recruiting a full-time blogger at >£25k a year.

Let’s have a look at this week’s sample of “Arts & Heritage” jobs in the Guardian. This should be fun! OK, here are the first 10 (I really couldn’t go on, you’ll see why):

Art Consultant
EMINEO FINE ART Greater London £To be negotiated Art Consultant required to sell 20th Century Masters in Japan and Singapore.

Education Managers
English Heritage Avon, Yorkshire & Humberside c. £27,000 per annum Reporting to the Head of Education, you will deliver education programmes for your regions that support organisational objectives. You will be responsible for developing partnerships within the sector to expand our educational provision.

Bookings and Information Team Leader
Victoria & Albert Museum £23,236 – £27,337 per annum The Bookings and Information Team is responsible for public bookings and information for the full range of the V&A’s events and activities. You will be responsible for efficient management of the service and the team.

Head of Diversity
Arts Council England North London £35,695 plus benefits We require someone with a strong knowledge of diversity in its widest sense, incorporating cultural diversity, disability, social inclusion and audience development. An ability to see the ‘big picture’ as well as strong communication skills.

Officer, Performing Arts
Arts Council England Cambridgeshire £24,825 per annum plus benefits You will be responsible for actively contributing to regional development and strategy in line with Arts Council England objectives for the East region. A key focus is the development of regional touring hubs and combined arts.

Officer, Development (Children and Young People)
Arts Council England Cambridgeshire £24,825 pa plus benefits You’ll drive forward part of our new Development agenda, particularly focused on providing access to professional arts experiences for children and young people. You’ll develop and implement plans for education and learning.

Regional Landscape Architect
English Heritage Central London c. £30,000 per annum Working with our public realm, urban design and conservation experts, you will provide landscape design and conservation advice to local authorities, site owners, the Heritage Lottery Fund, national and local amenity bodies.

Senior Producer, Contemporary Music Network
Arts Council England Central London £35,695 – 38,630 pa plus benefits You’ll provide artistic and managerial leadership to the Arts Council’s Contemporary Music Network (CMN). This will involve setting the artistic strategy for CMN, developing relationships with international promoters and media partners.

Producer, Contemporary Music Network
Arts Council England Central London £28,175 pa plus benefits You’ll manage the day-to-day delivery of the Contemporary Music Network and play a key role in curating the artistic season, overseeing the marketing of tours and working with promoters to deliver a season of high quality national tours.

Audio Visual Technician
The National Gallery £21,965 p.a. You will provide technical support for all the Gallery’s audio-visual services, which include the running of a fully equipped 328-seat, multi-purpose theatre, cinemas and conference rooms.


You couldn’t make these up! Contemporary music network?

Performing arts just springs to mind those awful things they made us sit through at school. “Community theatre” – challenging the contemporary issues that affect today’s youth. Jesus help us.

“Head of Diversity” You get paid £35k a year to play spot the difference? Or you have to strategise and implement, establishing key teams that can operationalise according to the needs of all stakeholders.

Hrrm, sounds like any job description for the NHS or Department of Health…

Pile of wank.

That’s the name of my new trance dance outfit.

In da house!

Ahem, actually, a rather serious point must be made. As well as the things I can’t cope with, such as tying my shoelaces, climbing ladders, folding paper in half, etc it surprises me that there are certain technologies that have me baffled, or even worse, terrified.

I am terrified of house alarms, or burglar alarms in general. Not because I go house breaking and these things alert people to my unwanted presence. No, I hate the noise they make when you set them and then again when you enter the house while the alarm’s activated. It’s that sort of count-down to world destruction, panicky, rapid extremely loud beeping.

First off, you get the “alam activated” code. This is particularly bad if you set the alarm for while you’re in bed at night:

“Right, you’ve activated me, beep, beep, beep. Better get upstairs quick, beep, beep, beep. What, you’ve forgotten something and need to go back into the kitchen? BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! What about that living room light? BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEEEEP!“

You finally make it upstairs with your heart in your mouth and drenched in a cold sweat; you run into your bedroom and fall onto the bed. Deep breaths, it’s OK, you did it, the beep’s stopped now. You’re safe from harm….

Did you enter the right code? Does the alarm know that you’re in the house, in this bedroom? What happens when I go out onto the landing? Will the sensor know I’m supposed to be here and just wink at me, or will it set off an electrical chain reaction in a fraction of a second; setting sirens and bells, strobe lights. Complete sensory overload.

Safer to stay in bed and pray for a power cut before you shit yourself or die of starvation. At least a power cut will set off all your neighbours’ house alarms too, then you won’t feel such a spaz when you trip yours by going to the bathroom in the night.

Perhaps you did programme it correctly?….

Of course the other way the alarm gets you is when you return home and open the door:
“ENTER THE CODE, ENTER THE CODE NOW!!!!!! DO IT, DON’T FUCK UP, DON’T FUCK UP!!!!!”

They send me into such a panic.


My other hate is microwave ovens. I don’t see much point in these things anyway, but when it comes to using one, I’m completely clueless. I could just about cope with the old ones with the analogue dials for power and time, but these modern ones with all these buttons and settings? Forget it.


I was going to spend a bit of time and effort and add some photos to this post, but my eye is fucking killing me and I need to try and see what’s going on. It feels like there’s something under the eyelid. Bastard!

For all you Tori Amos fans (me included, this appears to be about 2 of you). I shall use this short post to tell you how excited I am about seeing her in concert this coming Sunday…. VERY!

I’ve loved her music since she brought out Little Earthquakes and I think I’ve got just about all her stuff.

Connie, you’re right about Scarlett’s Walk, it’s a truly fantastic piece of work and I adore A sorta fairytale and I can’t see New York – amongst others of course. When my sister first heard the former, she actually shut up for a minute and said “What’s this? This is lovely!” – it takes something special to achieve that. I still think my favourite track of hers is Cornflake girl – if only for the piano in it.

So yes, I’m feeling a little like Goldielocks in my own fairytale this week: housesitting for friends up in deepest Lancashire. It’s nice to get some peace and quiet, although I have a suspicion that the in-laws may drop round and they don’t know that my friends are away for half term. I shall have to get my best lying gear together.

As you can gather, I’ve managed to get access to the internet, so I’ll be trying to get those juices flowing (in a friend’s bed??) and tell you all about Lancashire Life.

This is a rather lame incursion into Tuesday’s Cakesniffer, but I’ve just got to jet wash my car and it should give me the opportunity to think about how I’m going to put microwaves and house alarms to rights!

Go on then, I’ve shamelessly stolen this from Herge and from Karen, but I guess there’s no reason why others can’t use the same idea for their own blogs.

On a day when I’m answering all sorts of questions about my job for this Agenda for fucking Change shite, I might as well answer some more interesting questions while I’m at it.

If anybody’s interested enough, feel free to ask me a question. Anything you like. Go ahead, I’ll either be honest or suitably evasive, but I’ll aim for the former.

Q1. How much of a twat will I look if nobody comments on this?
A No more of one than usual, most probably.

Visually impaired people with astigmatisms who can’t wear normal daily disposables and who have to wear monthly toric lenses at £10 a pair: keep your contact lenses in tip-top condition by not falling asleep in the fucking things!

I had a 3 hour snooze on Saturday afternoon during which my friend actually thought I’d died. When I woke, I couldn’t see a thing and so I took my lenses out. They looked like a baby’s tongue, i.e. covered in milky goo. I thought that a good soak would sort them out, but alas, they’re well and truly mangled.

That’s ANOTHER new pair of lenses I’ve had to bin – third in a row. Stupid tit.

I’m going to get my eyes lasered.

Agenda for change
There’s currently an exercise in the NHS whereby just about everybody is having their job reviewed so we can all go onto the same, nationally-agreed, 8-band payscale. Some people have their jobs matched nationally, others don’t have equivalents and so have to go through a process called “job evaluation”. This involves filling out a 35-page questionnaire that covers all aspects of your role. Guess which category I fit in to? Yep, I’m being evaluated and assimilated (yes, assimilated). I’ve got to fill out the fucking questionnaire by tomorrow – yep, in my own time.

Will any of us actually get what we deserve? No.

Is this just an exercise in reducing costs? Absolutely.

Bastards.

I was on a course at work Thursday and Friday of last week: “Train the trainer”, it was actually very useful.

Of course (of course!), what I love about in-house training is the fact that you get to meet some right oddballs that work in the same organisation, but who you would never have dreamt existed. Amongst other people, I had great pleasure in meeting a “family therapist“.

Now, those who have come to know a little bit about me from my contribution to this blog will know that somebody with the job title “family therapist” should be very careful about mixing with this particular cakesniffer.

Family therapist indeed.

I tried to get an understanding of exactly what family therapy is, it was like pulling teeth. “We treat the family as a whole, not as individuals.”

“But what’s wrong with them?”

“There’s nothing wrong with them, they just don’t function properly.”

“How do you define that? If it was up to people like you, 90% of families would be undergoing “treatment”. What do you mean by “not functioning properly”?”

“They have problems…”

Oh fuck…

“Why don’t they just take the kids into care and sterilise the parents?”

I still haven’t got a clue what family therapy is, but I’ve figured out that family therapists are probably a waste of time, doing a job that has no evidence base. They’re very sensitive souls and I think the particular family therapist that I met might well be off work on the sick with stress after meeting me. “Some people are just pigs, they don’t understand what we’re trying to do.” You’re dead right we don’t understand what the fuck it is you’re trying to do because we can’t get a fucking straight answer out of you, you daft twat!

Not like our Connie who works tirelessly in a respirator mask and boiler suit to keep aeroplanes in the air. Or Herge who does, errrm, publishes imaginative stories, gives truthful accounts of current affairs and massages dogs’ hindquarters. Or even myself, who is an expert sniffer of bakery products.

Family therapist. Honestly, whatever will they think of next? Oh, I’ve found a website, this ought to be fun! http://www.aft.org.uk/

A dirty weekend with Trillion? I wish! But a dirty weekend nonetheless.

I’ve been doing things with a 14 day old baby – the type of things that you can only do with a 14 day old baby: changing nappies, cleaning bottoms, having my nose suckled (I got a bit to close when she was hungry and she went for me).

Babies are pretty crap at that age; they only notice you if you’re lactating, otherwise they just sleep, poo and scream.

Poo
Baby poo is weird stuff. It smells like it comes from the fiery pits of hell, but looks like something that’s been reconstituted with boiling water with a name that is prefixed with “Pot”. Oh, and it’s bright yellow.

Like the baby’s nappies, I’d had my fill of that shit by the time I came home.

If anybody’s interested, there’s a site dedicated to baby poo. As much as babies are squishy and nice, I can’t imagine kissing one of their arses knowing what comes out of them. All too often this weekend I had to dodge flying piccalilly poo when I’d removed the baby’s nappy and was trying clean her little bum. You think you’re safe and then BANG! a little bit of projectile poo comes flying out at you.

So no, I won’t be getting my lips anywhere near one of those things.

Maternal instincts
No

Smells
I’ve been meaning to write something about smells for some time now. It should really go into a post in its own right, but I’m not sure how it’ll go so it’ll do here for now.

Smells are the most likely things to evoke a memory. There are certain smells that will send shivers down my spine because they trigger some dim and distant memory that I’d thought long banished into the depths of my mind (and washed away with several hundred litres of booze over the years too). The memories can be good or bad, or a bit confused because I can’t place them, but the response is always the same: a kind of tingliness in the back of my neck and butterflies in my stomach. I think the strongest memories are quite personal ones. Here are a few of them:

• Libraries – no sniggers please – Libraries always have a weird smell.
• My auntie’s kitchen, and the roadside pine trees in Italy.
• Exam papers: no matter whether they were at school or university, they always had the same smell and there was always a background tinge of Polo mints from my supply on the desk.
• Perfumes: this is a big one, but one particular one is Estee Lauder’s Youth Dew, which my late auntie always used to wear.
• Certain houses: when some friends moved into a place a few years ago, it had the same smell as somewhere I’d lived as a student. It freaked me out and brought back memories of the sniffer owl that I thought was after some gange that was in my room.
• Christmas morning: waking up to the smell of the roasting turkey – fantastic, there’s nothing like it.

You get the message. What about you lot, have you got any particular smells that knock you a bit whatsit?

Yes Andy, as I was preparing this post, your comment came through.

Now, after my one and only other football post, I did promise never to mention footie again unless Liverpool actually won the European Cup. Well…

The result was even more amazing because Liverpool were 3-0 down at half time. Sorry, this won’t mean anything if you don’t know about football, but I don’t really give a crap.

Liverpool captain, Steven Gerrard gets a second-half goal to make it 1-3

This was Liverpool’s 5th European Cup win, but their previous one was 21 years ago.

I’m so happy; I feel like running naked through the streets of Manchester, draped in my Liverpool scarf. I can’t believe I’ve got to get up at 5.30. How am I supposed to sleep?

As they say, You’ll Never Walk Alone.