…or is it??? Only human nature that is.

I have been alerted to the following reference guides vis a vis ‘homosexuality noes not occur in nature’ by the fabulous Trillion. These are stolen from her flickr gallery.

Check out the reviews at Amazon.

Synopsis: In this innovative celebration of diversity and affirmation of individuality in animals and humans, Joan Roughgarden challenges accepted wisdom about gender identity and sexual orientation. A distinguished evolutionary biologist, Roughgarden takes on the medical establishment, the Bible, social science – and even Darwin himself. She leads the reader through a discussion of diversity in gender and sexuality among fish, reptiles, amphibians, birds and mammals, including primates. The book explains how this diversity develops from the action of genes and hormones and how people come to differ from each other in all aspects of body and behaviour. Roughgarden reconstructs primary science in light of feminist, gay and transgender criticism and redefines our understanding of sex, gender and sexuality. The book may revolutionize our understanding of sexuality. Roughgarden argues that principal elements of Darwinian sexual selection theory are false and suggests a new theory that emphasises social inclusion and control of access to resources and mating opportunity. She disputes a range of scientific and medical concepts, including Wilson’s genetic determinism of behaviour, evolutionary psychology, the existence of a gay gene, the role of parenting in determining gender identity and Dawkins’s “selfish gene” as the driver of natural selection. She dares social science to respect the agency and rationality of diverse people; shows that many cultures across the world and throughout history accommodate people we label today as lesbian, gay and transgendered; and calls on the Christian religion to acknowledge the Bible’s many passages endorsing diversity in gender and sexuality. “Evolution’s Rainbow” concludes with bold recommendations for improving education in biology, psychology and medicine; for democratizing genetic engineering and medical practice; and for building a public monument to affirm diversity as one of our nation’s defining principles.

Yes folks, get your Gay Test right here at Cakesniffers! Now, this is JUST FOR A LAUGH, and I certainly won’t be taking any notice of the results, but why don’t you check out Channel 4’s Gay Test and see how you get on. It’d be interesting to see the results of others, but obviously, folk can be quite sensitive about this sort of thing and probably won’t want to divulge.

Here’s how I “came out”:

“CAKESNIFFER IS 50% GAY! Congratulations, you’ve scored right in the middle and are a happy and well-adjusted lesbian babe!“

I’ve no idea how it came to that conclusion. Happy and well-adjusted my arse! Babe??

There are all sorts of more scientific tests for things such as racism, homophobia, sexism and other shit like that. But who gives a crap about real facts when you can get sensationalist rot from elsewhere?

I’m a bit miffed that some of my best posts may have been missed because of the 4th Crusade of Sir Ryan de Belloc! Just to make sure you didn’t miss anything during the “queers are cunts/catholics are cunts” debate, I’ll recap on the best bits.

Firstly, there was my unwarranted, yet highly deserved attack on Sir Cliff Richard which was followed by another crushing defeat for Tim Henman in which he “showed his anger”. I guess we need to see a bit more of TiGRRRRRRRRR Timmy.

I spouted off about an American colleague who’s been giving me grief and was very creative in my totally crap post. It was here that some kind-hearted person suggested that I might have Asperger’s Syndrome. If I have, then so be it, it’s not going to kill me. And sorry to Wiggy if any of what I’ve said seems to be having a go at you, I appreciate your comment and your support. It’s just that a colleague has also recently suggested that I’m slightly autistic and I’m rather sensitive about it.

You may also have missed news of my day out at the park. It was in the comments to this post that i told you of my Webshots photo gallery.

One of my finest moments came with the invention of the EMOTIBOARD, but you fucking luddites wouldn’t know a good idea if it smacked you round the head.

Trillion has finally pulled her finger out (thanks very much, it’s been rather uncomfortable, but also quite pleasant) and got herself a blog. You can catch her in her world at http://trillobites.blogspot.com.

I’m looking forward to this because, from her comments over the past couple of months, she’s clearly more intelligent and entertaining than I am.


The Royal Mail
If/when they decide to turn up to collect the post these days. I ran up the post box, hoping to catcht the 5.30 post, only to find that the next collection will be “Wednesday”. No idea when on Wednesday, but there you go. It seems that we only get one collection per day around here now. I’m assuming it’s one per day and not one per week or anything.

Thanks very much, Postman Pat!

Still, first class post is excellent value for money if you think about it.


A big UNwelcome to:

The bendy-bus convoy
After posting about these fucking menaces a couple of weeks ago, I’m alarmed to note that First Manchester are actually operating convoys of the fuckers on the Number 8 route from Bolton to Manchester. Why?

Fuck’s sake, stupid fucking wastes of space.

Well, there are a few poorly people knocking about this world; they have terrible disorders or syndromes. Some things come to mind, such as:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
• Asperger’s Syndrome
• Dyslexia
• Prader-Willi Syndrome
• Asthma

Let’s examine each one in closer (Cakesniffer) detail, shall we?


Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
When I was a kid, there were children in my class at school who were naughty; they wouldn’t do what the teacher said, they were crap in class, always pissed about. They were punished, appropriately and fairly, and they soon turned it around.

These days, there’s no such thing as “naughty kids”, no, they now have to officially have something wrong (ADHD) with them so as not to apportion blame on their rubbish parents. Fuck off! They’re your kids: get off your arse, spend some time with YOUR children and teach them some discipline and respect.

Fucking idiot people being allowed to have even stupider bloody offspring. Take the kids off them and sterilise the parents.


Asperger’s Syndrome
Just because a person doesn’t like talking to idiots and likes to spend time on their own, and is clever, but is crap at some things, it doesn’t mean they’ve got a fucking syndrome! It’s just the way they are.

Bloody hell. Why do people always need to believe there’s a problem with somebody just because the don’t fit certain patterns? If it’s not affecting their functioning, what difference does it make? Why does it help to have a name for combinations of personality traits?

I think much of it has to do with using people as fashion accessories, or perhaps the general population can’t deal with genius, so they have to say that “geniuses” have something wrong with them.

Nobheads. Concentrate a bit more at school, look around you a bit more and you’ll soon learn that it’s much more interesting to watch and take in the world going by than it is listening to fucktards talking about last night’s telly.

Soon, there’ll be new syndromes for all sorts of people. I will officially have “Tina” syndrome, because it was first described in 30-odd year old woman called Tina with the same personality traits as me.


Dyslexia
How many people who claim to have dyslexia are just too lazy to learn to read, write and spell properly?


Prader-Willi Syndrome
The following is a bit of background from the UK Prader-Willi Organisation’s website…

“Prader-Willi Syndrome (PWS) is a chromosomal disorder, which can affect people of both sexes and of any race or country. Three Swiss doctors -Prader, Labhart and Willi – first described it in 1956.

“Some time between the age of one and four, children with PWS develop an increased interest in food, which may become an insatiable obsession. Unless their diet is carefully controlled weight gain can be very rapid, leading to obesity, disease and even an early death. The syndrome has many other characteristics, which result in a complex mixture of strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone with the syndrome is the same, some appearing less severely affected in some areas than others. “

Now, does everybody see the bold bits? The bold bits (with the exception of the first one) are all attributes that can be associated with morbid obesity and indeed, people with PW can become morbidly obese. However, by far the main reason for people becoming big fat bloaters isn’t their genes, or their glands, or some stress, or depression. No, the main reason for people becoming lard-arses is because they eat too much and don’t get any exercise!

Simple really. You eat tubs of butter for breakfast and fill your face with pasties, chips, pizza and curry – and drink loads of booze too – you’re going to get fat.


Asthma
This is one of my favourites: people who are really overweight and who smoke loads who claim to have asthma. I wonder if there’d be a miraculously recovery if they stopped smoking and lost weight?


Now, unless you’re completely fucking stupid, you’ll realise that I’m using these examples of disorders/syndromes/illnesses as examples of excuses some people use for being crap. People prefer to have a syndrome than admitting to being weak and pathetic, or to acknowledging their own responsibilities. In the UK, these people claim billions in benefits and free housing – because you get free housing and more benefits for being ill than you do if you’re just a lazy, useless turd.

Now, readers who joined the Cakesniffing sisterhood a while back will know that I’m a contact lens wearer. I have to get the monthly toric type because of my spazzy eyes. I was down to my last pair and had intended to go to Costco this evening to order some more. So I went to take the lenses out so as I could wear my specs for the evening. I took the right one out and it kind of stuck to my finger and then got pinged across the bathroom.

I stood very still, looking for the missing lens with my left eye. I checked my person, check the walls, bent down as low as I could go without moving my feet so I could check the floor. Nothing. Otto came to see what I was doing. He was very helpful and started rolling on the floor. I gave up, removed the left lens and put my specs on.

Out of curiosity – I simply HAD to know – I check behind the radiator. And there it was, all shrivelled up, looking at me. There was no heading towards the light for this little lost soul. No coming back.

FUCK!

So this means that I’m going to have to wear some very worn-out old pairs of lenses to see me through until my new order arrives.

Still, I guess I should expect these things, being dyspraxic and having Asperger’s Syndrome and everything. I’m surprised I can even put my glasses on the right way round. Or dress myself (shut it, Willis!). Not that I’m offended or anything.


Baby Gap
I bought some gifts for the newborn from Baby Gap. The assistant who served me asked, “Are they a gift?” and I just had to reply “Well, I don’t really think they’ll suit me”.

I bet she gets that all the time, all thefucking time, some know-it-all, think they’re funny wit, will come out with that shit. One day, she’s going to jump over the counter and strangle somebody. And who could blame her?


An edit for Herge
Herge, you are my number one as long as you want to be. It’s a great honour that you think so highly of me.

Sorry for not posting much today, but I’ve been at work, and they don’t let me – it’s just as well or my emotiboard would’ve broken when replying to Ryan’s last post. Did tyou see the one where he said “Thanks for the much needed backup, Will! Bravo! Perhaps, tina, you don’t know what love is. And no, it is not a feeling”. Ooh, it wound me up good and proper! “Yes, Bwavo Wiw! You’re suthch a good sthport for sthupporting me.” Who the fuck says “bravo”? Fuck’s sake.

And I was busy this evening too, so this is all you’re getting today I’m afraid. I’ll think of something very special (in my eyes) and try to do something tomorrow. I could do something about the “Sisterhood of Librarians” that’s emerging at work. It’s a bit like the “Brotherhood of the Illuminati”, only with vibrators.

They won’t let it lie, those Catholic boys from the states. Not content with spouting off his ludicrous views on homosexuality, Ryan has got his mate Will to come over and comment too. (see blogging bigotry if you must)

Is anybody interested in what these young, deluded fools have got to say? No.

“It’s not natural, it’s not natural. Exterminate, EXTERMINATE!”

I particularly like Will for his profile picture, which is a photo of something like a Ford Probe. Could it be that Will actually loves this car? Is that natural?

Oh, and here’s a joke for our Catholic friends:

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

You see the whole Catholic relationship with sex is just so warped that they don’t know what to make of it. There’s such guilt associated with heterosexual sex that they simply cannot cope with any other types of relationships. Fuck ’em.

Anger is one my best emotions. It’s the one that I do most frequently. It’s the one that makes me creative.

My favourite emotion is happiness, but in some perverted way, anger makes me happy because it makes me creative. But happiness borne out of contentment is by far my favourite.

I hate sadness.

Back to anger.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if somebody would invent a keyboard and some software that responded to your state of mind. I’ve just been over at April’s blog, where there’s a discussion about singing. I pointed out that I hate the sound of children singing, it makes me feel most uncomfortable, to the point where I grind my teeth and my blood pressure rises. I found myself getting angry just typing the comment and, as I did so, I was hitting the keys harder and harder, faster and faster.

So, if you had an emotiboard, what sort of things would it show? I reckon anger would automatically set the type face to red, bold, with CAPS. The SIZE of the font would also increase.

Love letters would be in some flowery font like, ah, I dunno one of the script ones and it’d be in pretty pastel shades of pinks and lilacs.

Humorous texts would of course be in comic script. Humorous stuff would be in brown because it’s always toilet and poo humour with me.

Right Cakesniffers. I created an MSN Spaces personal space thing just to see what it looked like and to see whether I liked it more than blogger (which I don’t – it’s too gimicky and there’s no element of control). I also wanted a decoy blog for people who know that I’ve got a blog, but who I don’t want to know about Cakesniffers. God, that sounds up my own arse. It’s just that people I know think I’m odd enough as it is without them reading posts about my toilet habits. Besides, they’d be pretty shocked if knew the sort of language I used on the interweb.

“My day out” posts might become a frequent feature of this blog throughout the summer (should we have one this year).

I went to the “largest municipal park in Europe” this afternoon. That would be Heaton Park in North Manchester. There’s a little farm thing there and that’s where I met this goat. I think it’s a she goat who’s about to give birth to lots of little goats.

At the farm, there was a calf called Dexter and thick Manchester people were feeding Dexter bread. Bread, I ask you!

The park would’ve been lovely if there weren’t so many people there: too many people making too much noise – particularly in the children’s play area that was my idea of Hell.

There was a delightful gang of 13-15 year olds: the Lambrini-guzzling girls were scantily-clad to resemble whores, while the boys were all wearing, yes you guessed it, track pants tucked into their socks, baseball caps and hooded tops. Still at least it’s nice that they can express their individuality by all dressing the same.

I wanted to find the more secluded parts where strangers meet for sex, but my sister wouldn’t let me. She wanted an ice cream instead, and said that there probably wasn’t an ice cream van near where people were dogging. I thought that would be an ideal spot for an ice cream van – couples could refresh themselves with a Flake 99 or a jubbly before moving on to the next shag. There’s no such thing as enterprise anymore.

There are a few things that I’m totally useless at. In fact there are probably LOADS of things that I can’t do, but some simple, everyday tasks cause me so much frustration that, at times, I really feel like ending it all.

What do the following things have in common?

• I can’t screw the tops onto jars. I have particular difficulty with those plastic lids that you get on jars of coffee.
• I’ve never been able to fold a piece of paper in half. I remember trying for the first time in primary school and I still can’t do it today – the unfolded edges never line up straight for me.
• I’ve never been able to climb trees, and ladders cause me terrible anxiety. Ladders and trees in combination are out of the question.
• People laugh at me when I tie my shoelaces – it’s something to do with the index finger of the left hand. Yes that is my trainer, yes those are my hands.
• I can’t ice skate or rollerskate – not many can – but I can’t walk on slippery surfaces to save my life. I can’t cope with anything that makes me unsteady on my feet.
• I can’t say the word “thief”, it always comes out as fieth. And when I mean “that old chestnut”, it always comes out as “that old nutmeg”.
• I can’t take a landscape photograph with a straight horizon.
• I have difficulty forming close relationships and I can’t maintain eye contact when I speak to people.

There are loads of others, but I’m not in the mood for berating myself too much today, so I’ll leave it here.