I hate buses; they’re shit. They’re rubbish for getting from A to B, unless you’re happy to:

• Walk 10 minutes to A;
• Wait 20 minutes at A;
• Pay some extortionate rate to sit next to some smelly twat on a filthy seat;
• Accelerate really hard then stop really suddenly every 200 metres for 7 miles;
• Change half way through the journey and do it all again until you finally reach good old B (by which time, you’ve either been killed, you’ve lost the will to live, or you smell so badly that you have to turn straight round and go home).

So no, I don’t use them. But, as a motorist, I still encounter them on the roads. Now, back in January, my Cyclists and busdrivers post went into my hatred of, well just about everybody, but cyclists and busdrivers in particular, so you’re spared from another diatribe here. However, having thought that bus companies could do no more to piss me off, the wonder First Manchester company have managed it with the introuction of this fucker:

This is what’s known as a “bendy bus”. It’s essentially two single-decker buses that appear to have been involved in a rear-end shunt and have been repaired with some elastic bands and duct tape. The bendy bus is twice as long as a standard bus, and probably twice as long as anything else you’d see on the road. They’re a fucking waste of space and a danger to other road users: you come to overtake one, thinking it’s a normal bus, then as you get alongside it, you realise that it’s one of these fuckers. Not content with taking up half the width of the road with bloody empty buslanes, the bus companies want to take over the entire length of the road too.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of being behind one of these, which was following a standard single-decker bus, both devoid of passengers, both operating the same route (that’d be the Number 8 from Bolton to Manchester), operated by First Manchester.

Wankers.

I have no vitriolic attacks for anybody today. This is because I enjoyed a nice day out with a friend. We went to a local National Trust place where there’s a deer sanctuary. It was very nice.

Oh, hang on, there were a couple of complete tossers on the M62 on the way to Warrington: white transit in middle lane, red trasnit pick-up in outside lane, inside lane empty. Both were doing about 60, neither would pull in and at least three cars (me included, your honour) had to undertake in the inside lane to get past them. Wankers. Why don’t they fit cars with rocket launchers?

Anyway, back to my day out… My Italian lessons have taught me how to recognise a scoiattolo:

Calm down, deer

Of course the place we vistited was a deer park, so I wasn’t surprised to see any of these fellers either:

“Who’s blown one off this time, you dirty bastards?”(clicky)

“You see this tongue? You want some?”

I now need to rest up and recharge my acidic little brain. We wouldn’t want Cakesniffers turning into fucking Bambi on a regular basis now, would we?

When people come across your blog through a search engine, have you ever wondered what search terms they’ve used?

Site traffic utilities can show you all sorts of things about the visitors to your website and here are some of the terms that have been recently used by people in Google – they got more than they bargained for when they came across me!

Let’s have a reconstruction…

Hrrrm, well nothing related comes up. I was expecting it to find a particular rant of mine from a while back: Bassssstaaaarrrrrdos!

That’s all I’ve got to say at the moment.

I’m shagged after an eventful evening with a gay woman and my creative juices aren’t flowing as they should be.

Salford City Council are introducing a new scheme to enhance the lives of its shopping precincts’ visitors.

Each day, rounds of the popular 1970s & 80s challenge show “It’s a knockout” will be played out in the shopping centres at Eccles, Swinton, Salford and Walkden. Games will include:

• Pastie payroll, where team members aim savoury pastries at electric scooter baskets and babies’ pushchairs as they weave in and out of the pink dustbins and benches. The winner being the one to collect the highest number of pasties without scoffing the lot before the end of the challenge.
• Sausage roll slaughter involves layabouts stuffing as many piping-hot sausage rolls as possible into their mouths, the pockets of their trackie bottoms, under their baseball caps and in the hoods of their hooded tops. In this challenge, the victor is the person who sustains the fewest third degree burns. Again, competitors are not allowed to eat any of these delicious savoury pastry products.
• Prescription panic is the toughest test of all and it would be impossible without the cooperation of trickster pharmacy chain, Boots. People collecting their repeat prescriptions are strapped to a heart and BP monitor, they then have to negotiate some strategically-positioned instore product stands to reach the pharmacy counter at the very back of the shop. When they get there, they’re informed that their heart pills are out of stock and wont be available for a week due to over prescribing to asylum seekers in Bolton. Ten winning points go to the team with any surviving competitors.

Council spokeswoman, Peggy Babcock said, “We recognise that the vast majority of people who have no choice but to live IN Salford have pointless existences and we want to make their daily outing to collect their prescriptions and pasties an entertaining one. By asking people to form into teams of single mothers, electric scooter users and general layabouts, we hope that people will come together to support each other, at the same time introducing character building challenges to what would otherwise be a mundane and aimless wander round the shops. Moreover, the Town Hall is just over the road from Swinton Precinct and it’ll give us all the opportunity to place bets on the locals while we have a laugh at them. Let’s face it, our only other entertainment happens when Corrie or Peter Kay film here.”

Local charities have condemned the proposals.

A real good treat for all you Henmaniacs out there; well before the start of Wimbledon, here’s Mr Gorgeous at his hypercompetitive best. He’s obviously pleased with himself at getting the top off the bottle of barley water unaided. Well done, Timmy!

“Come onnnnnnnn!!!!!”

He’s living la vida loca – Tiger Timbo roars onto …. errrr…another defeat!

Can’t wait to see him go out at the quarters of Wimbledon AGAIN! But at least he’ll have tried… not hard enough, like, but what does he care? He’s got the Persil money, a Jag and enough trainers to run a stall at the market.

Fuck it, could you imagine if he actually won? You wait however many decades for a British Wimbledon champ and you get him!!!!

Not forgetting the delightful Henmaniacs….

“We fiddle with each other while thinking of Timbo”

For those out there that haven’t already read Sam Black’s blog Half an Identity, get over there and read the bloody thing right from the beginning! For goodness’ sake, where have you been?

Sam often posts comments on this blog as “A Blogger”. Her blog documents her life in the witness protection programme, gives a bit of background as to why she’s in hiding and tells of her current life as a circus clown. You’ve got to read it, honestly.

Just read the thing and tell your mates to have a look too. It’s compelling stuff.

Ok, enough of advertising on behalf of my fellow cakesniffers, I’m off to find something it eat.

That bastion of free speech (so long as it’s in line with government dictats), the BBC, promotes a forum for readers of its news website to express their opinion on all sorts of matters. This form goes by the name Have your say and users can submit their views on a whole host of subjects that are currently gripping the nation. People can even suggest topics of discussion.

Some of the best debates have been around:

• Should the church allow gay priests?
• Is Tony Blair a lying bastard? This is obviously a rhetorical question
• Should gay people be allowed to marry?
• Should Charles and Camilla marry?
• Should anybody be allowed to marry?
• Are children a bunch of ungrateful, unruly, horrible brats and should we blame the parents, the teachers or Tony Blair?
• Should stupid people be sterilised?
• Should IVF be free on the NHS?
• Asylum/immigration/Europe – go on, dare you to be honest without somebody calling you a racist, xenophobic NIMBY!
• Welfare State spongers: is there any use for these scum, or can we swap them for some immigrants/asylum seekers?

Of course, many debates provoke comments that usually include words and phrases such as: racist; xenophobe; homophobe; queer; God said to stone women and poofs; it’s clearly written in the Bible; blame the teachers, etc etc. I’m quite sure the whole idea of the Have your say debate is to provide readers (and the editorial team) with some excellent material for having a laugh in the office.

Here are some contributions from today’s discussion on: “Do you suffer from asthma?” (I ask you, asthma!?)

I have reduced my intake of medication by 75% by not behaving like a person with a disability, taking regular exercise such as hill walking, yoga and meditation. Also why do diabetics receive free prescriptions, and yet asthmatics don’t? My charges total £156 per annum, which I struggle to afford.
Julie Simpson, Nottingham

When my doctor initially diagnosed my allergic asthma, he told me it was likely food-related and that I should go away and ‘experiment’ with not eating different foods. Six months on and I can now longer eat bread, and my fear is that there are other dangers lurking in my diet that my doctor is not interested in.
Megann, London

Exercise was the last thing I tried after seeing a GP and alternative therapists when my asthma returned after almost 30 years. It turned out to be a miracle cure for me, with symptoms disappearing after two days. I have always felt the time of the exercise was important: a brusque walk with the dogs at the start of the day did the trick for me but I never felt exercising after work had the same benefit.
Chris, Reading, UK

So, from those three representative examples, people who suffer from asthma not only whinge alot, but can have their symptons alleviated if they breathe properly and eat the right food. Try having a good old cough when you get up too. And no, I’m not being nasty to people who suffer from very serious asthma attacks, I know it’s a killer and is very a distressing and life threatening disease. It’s just that I’m sure some people claim to have asthma just because they get short of breath when moving about because they’re too fucking fat (and they probably claim loads of disability benefits, fucking scumbag slobber dobbers)!

Finally another gem from the BBC News Magazine quote of the day:

Warning, this post is nothing more than a diatribe against British folk you’ll see far too often on the large and small screen (and hear in audio books).

Imagine a film with the following cast:

• Stephen Fry
• Alan Rickman
• Ricky Gervais
• Billy Connolly
• Dame Judy Dench
• Zoe Wannamaker
• Maggie Smith
• Emma Thompson

Makes you want to cry doesn’t it? Every single fucking film that needs somebody to be the epitome of Britishness has to include somebody from this list.

Looking at the Hitch-hiker’s guide to the Galaxy, who was chosen to be the voice of the “guide”? Fucking Stephen bastard Fry. We need a voice for somebody miserable and English to play a robot (could be any one of 40-odd million of us), we’ll go for Alan Rickman. They do the audio books for Harry Potter, they choose Stephen fucking Fry and then they use Alan Rickman, Zoe Wannamaker and Maggie bleedin’ Smith in the cast! And that bloke who plays Hagrid, what’s his name? Oh yeah, Robbie “Mr Scottish” Coltrane, but he doesn’t play as a Scot as written in the book, oh no, he plays it with an ooower-eeewer West Country or Norfolk trakterrr boy accent.

Jeez, if that’s the best we’ve got to offer. Still at least the Americans think the Catherine Zeta Jones is one of them (let’s face it, she was never really British anyway, what with being Welsh and all).

And now, oh yes, now Twinings are doing adverts for their tea on the box and who’s in them? Mr “English” Stephen fucking Fry a-fucking-gain!

I put Ricky Gervais in that list because I just don’t like him very much, although I do admit to really enjoying The Office.

I didn’t include Julie Walters because I like her alot.

The things you see when you haven’t got a gun: Parky, Billy & Dame Judi

I really cannot stand Billy Connolly, he’s a complete turd, he’s not funny and he’s far too Scottish for anybody’s liking. The only person who thinks Billy Connolly is funny is that bird he shacked up with from Not the 9 O’clock News and Michael Parkinson. Michael Parkinson is paid stacks of cash to be sycophantic and to cry with laughter at bad jokes. Des O’Connor cries with laughter at bad jokes too, but I don’t think he’s paid quite as much; perhaps he’s just slightly mental.

Ahh, I can relax for the day now that that’s off my chest.