A strange thing happens to our feline friends every now and again: their tails straighten; ears go back; eyes widen; then they go for it – running around as if possessed by the Devil himself, making that strange kitten purr/miaow, running up and down trees. The untrained human eye just thinks the little beast has gone mad, but look carefully and you’ll see that Tiddles is actually being pursued by the Shit Monster!


This is the beast that hides down dark holes until the time is right to spring terror on any poor, unsuspecting moggy. Shit Monster will not let a cat out of its sight and will continue the chase until the terrified pussy frantically digs a hole as if ready to bury itself, proceeding to perform a full bowel evacuation – thereby exorcising its demonic stalker in a flash!


Feeling rubbish
I’m fed up of feeling rubbish. There’s nothing specific wrong, but a few niggly aches, constant tiredness, less than clear sinuses and an underlying feeling of unsettled and bloated in my insides.


Cars that I hate
Can’t stand Rovers, don’t like Mercedeses, hate all people carriers and Vauxhalls are generally pretty crap too. I don’t know what it is about the cars mentioned in this list, it’s just that when I come across one on my travels, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and my inner eye screams out a warning that I’m in the vicinity of a complete nob or some doddery twat that can’t drive (or both).

There’s a certain category of driver, whom I call Girl Driver. These are young women who drive very aggressively – always too fast and too close with little attention to what else is going on on the road. You can usually find them in something like a Vauxhall Corsa, Citroen Saxo or Peugeot 206, usually about 2″ off your back bumper, smoking a fag, on the phone, with a pathetic nobhead of a boyfriend wearing a “Burberry” baseball cap, sat in the passenger seat. Stupid little shits need a really hard kick up the bum with an open-toed sandal.

There’s also another type of driver called Woman Driver. Anybody, male or female, can be a woman driver and Woman Driver tends to be the best type of motorist, although they can be a bit overcautious and crap at directions at times. Still, better off getting there a bit later than not at all!

Another thing I’ve noticed is a propensity for really shit cars to have customised “GB” number plates. What for? These deathtrap piles of junk wouldn’t make it all the way round the M60 without conking out, so what’s the chance of them ever being driven abroad?


Ring doughnuts round III
I learnt today that some people have only ever had ring doughnuts with an iced sugar coating. It saddens me, the deprivation that some of our children suffer when the rest of us live in a world of such riches.

That’ll do for today

husagviuobhdsfv

That was a test because I was having a few techinical problems.

You GOTTA check this out! I know GE’s financial services are utter bollocks, but this is brilliant!

http://www.imaginationcubed.com/LaunchPage#

You can draw stuff and share it with your mates. If they’re on IM you can draw stuff together on the same canvas! That is smart.

I find it strange that our beloved Tony Bleuuuuhhhhrrr and his cronies are trying so hard to protect us from being murdered by marauding terrorists when the NHS can do a perfectly good job of finishing us off themselves. Deaths in UK from “Islamic” terrorists = none? Deaths in UK from hospital acquired infections (2004) = 950. Deaths from infamous NHS Hyde GP = >300. Deaths and injury from NHS cock-ups = ??????? Deaths from allowing thick people to reproduce and eat/smoke/drink themselves into an early grave = hundreds of thousands!

This begs the question: Is Tony Bleuuuhhhrrrr actually in cahoots with Osama Bin Lid, and are his attempts at creating paranoia and histeria merely a smokescreen for his greater plan? The end points are ultimately the same: a police state; erosion of our civil liberties; lots of innocent people dead. For fuck’s sake, we were on the verge of being invaded by the Nazis and we still had more freedom than we’ve got now! The guy should get a grip. Fucking tosser.


IT Police Shitheads
I find it very flattering that people comment on some of my posts and I try to respond, either in this blog or on the pages of those who have been so kind as to visit me. I also have moments of inspiration while I’m at work, I think, I must blog that! Unfortunately, the IT Nazi Bastard Police at work only allow the blog to be viewed and the commenting and posting pages in Blogger are “Forbidden by the ratings check”. Even worse, whenever you happen on a “forbidden” site, you are warned that “Your PC’s IP address has been noted”. Y’what? It’s probably some attempt to prevent people slagging off the place during work time – because of course, we can’t do it when we get home. DUH!


The ring that binds them
No news on the ring doughnut front from Mother. I wonder if I can get a control order put on her for suspicion of failure to discharge motherly duties. Pressing charges is best avoided because I wouldn’t want a messy court case where she ends up with a blanket over her head, muttering “Sigh,what a life”. Then again, a control order would have dire consequences for me: who would I get to run my errands for me while I’m out at work? Who’d answer the phone (I hate answering the landline)? Would I ever get any peace and quiet in the house if she was tagged and stuck here?

I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and let her try again tomorrow.

Memory loss
Of course one problem with not being able to do blog at work is that I often forget the really funny stuff and I end up posting a load of complete shite instead.


Weird
I learnt today of a new weirdo crank technique/therapy thing for determining which foods are good for you and which you should avoid at all costs. It’s called Kenetosomethingorother and what happens is this:

1. Punter lies on a couch and is blindfolded
2. Actually, I think “1” should be “Punter pays lots of cash”
3. Therapist tests resistance in punter’s leg and arm muscles by using their own body weight to push against them (this is like the control step).
4. Therapist waves a glass vial containing a particular food stuff near the punter, then tests muscle resistance again.
5. Repeats resistance tests with a variety of glass-bound foodstuffs that are presented in a random order – the punter remains blind to the contents of the vials throughout.
6. Apparently, muscle resistance and tone changes with each different foodstuff and so things that are particularly bad or good for the punter can be identified.
7. Therapist says “You should eat this and that, but not this or this. Should I book you in for another £500 consultation?”

I’d be fine so long as the therapist said I could eat lots of curry, chips, pasta and ginger biscuits. Actually, I reckon they’d find that I’m OK with certain foods so long as they’re not eaten in combination with others (peas in things, mushed up tuna, mashed taters in my gravys)….

I still can’t remember what it was I was going to post about.

This defendent wishes to enter a plea of not guilty to charges levelled against her! I can’t believe I’ve become victim to some virtual kangaroo court in my own blog. All I said was I was a bit fussy about certain foods and the way I like things prepared. Flippin’ eck! I can’t believe that people can possibly any differently to me.

Ring Doughnuts
Well, it’s top marks to Gregg’s customer services department. The lovely Jan has replied to my e-mail enquiry about why their ring doughnuts come with an iced sugar, rather than a granulated sugar coating – even though their jam and split cream doughnuts are coated with granulated sugar. Apparently, Gregg’s ring doughnuts have only ever had an iced sugar coating, but they welcome my comments. I’m sure they’d sell many more ring doughnuts if they had an appropriate coating. In fact, many people I told were stunned at the thought that ring doughnuts could be coated with anything BUT granulated sugar.

I’m going e-mail her again to congratulate her on her prompt, polite and informative reply (I’ll also suggest that granulated sugar-coated ring doughnuts are they forward for successful confectionary retail). Some vouchers would’ve been nice Jan and for that oversight, you can have an 8/10.

Following on from this, I’m going to set Mother a task to determine whether ring doughnuts, if available at all, from Hampson’s (formerly Parker Bradburn’s), Martin’s, Greenhalgh’s (we have FOUR bakeries on our shopping precinct) and Safeway have a satisfactory format of external sweetener. Older people love doing that sort of thing.

God, I’m so tired. Being a consumer champion certainly takes it out of a girl.

Why do people with clean cars go to the carwash? I had to queue for ages at Topwash this morning and about four cars ahead of me in the queue were already clean. People just like to waste their cash. Not me though, £15 spent on something that I could do myself isn’t a waste of money at all!

Anyway, the car looked Ok for about 10 minutes until the bastard cats that live outside decided to wander all over it with their muddy little paws. Shitheads.

I need a volunteer to act as a subject in a photography experiment that I’m planning. I want to try to capture the moment when blackhead goo bursts through the skin’s surface when it’s squeezed. If I’m successful, you’ll see it here first.

You can tell that you’ve got scumbags for neighbours when the people next door fulfil the following criteria.

• They’re really noisy without consideration of time/people’s sensitivities/sense of shame.
• They leave their washing out for days on end in all sorts of weather.
• They don’t work, claim incapacity benefit, but have nothing wrong with them.
• They’re constantly in and out of each other’s houses, comparing their latest social services-sponsored home improvement (usually a £70,000+ extension).
• You can never smell cooking coming from the premises.
• They have lots of primary-coloured ornaments in their garden and those horrible butterflies adorning the outside of the house.
• The man wears a vest all year round, no matter what the weather, and his jeans don’t fit properly.
• They’re as thick as pigshit.

I love the summer and I can’t wait for it to arrive, but there are some things that I really cannot cope with. These things include:

• People’s armpits (or anything above the elbow for certain people who should look in the mirror before leaving the house);
• People’s feet, particularly heel skin and horrible toenails;
• People whinging that “I like it hot, but not this hot” and “I’m sweating cobs”;
• My neighbours sitting out all the time and being intimidating, irritating and very very common;
• People feeling compelled to listen to their music at full blast (what’s all that about??);
• Having to do the gardening and getting my arms sunburnt while keeping my hands protected with gardening gloves (it’s a great look, everyone should try it);
• Waiting for summer from May onwards and it not arriving.

However, I love it when people get themselves completely frazzled by the sun. It’s especially good with the Umpa Lumpa women who have very, very red shoulders with very, very, very white bra strap marks. Ha!

There are loads of things that are supposed to be nice or good for you, or so “the mysterious they” tell us. Just who are “they”? Whoever they are, “They’re” responsibile for telling all sorts to the masses.

Anyway, enough of that. People, real people, tell us that certain things are nice and you should try them, but there are certain things that I won’t touch with a bargepole. Here are some of them, starting with foods.

Will not try under any circumstances:

• Cottage cheese: No fucking way; it looks like puke. Next!
• Swede, turnips: What the fuck? You trying to kill me with your root vegetables? NO WAY!! Next!!!
• Muller rice: Absolutely not, no way, not under any circumstances.
• Tinned spaghetti/spaghetti hoops: Hoops! Need I say more?
• Bread sauce: Y’what? I’d never even heard of this pig-swill till a couple of Christmases ago, then I saw some!
• Pringles: All that crunching in the ads and that stupid moustached man on the packaging has put me off.

Have tried, donlikit, don’t want ever again:

• Cooked carrots: Love ’em raw; they turn into evil nasty things when cooked. Next!
• Polenta: Yeeeeuuuchhh. Not nice as a slop, been put off other ways of preparation.
• Tea: Fucking disgusting; the smell makes me want to be sick.
• Lychees: Bell ends that taste like Parma violets. Nasty.
• Cranberries: Come on! You lot who claim to like these little sour bastards are having a laugh aren’t you?
• White cabbage: What’s the point of this stuff?
• Salad cream: What on earth is this crap? Doesn’t even need commenting on. Mayonnaise isn’t much better.
• Coca Cola: Vile.

Things that I’m quite fussy about:

• Peas in things: Lovely on their own, but don’t put them in my bloody curry!
• Mashed potatoes running into my gravy: Better keep it safe and not have any sauce on the same plate as my mash. Shepherds pie can be quite traumatic.
• Things mixed in things: Back to the pea scenario here. Keep stuff separate on my plate or there’ll be trouble.
• Mashed up stuff: Don’t mush my food up. Go ahead and put tuna in my pasta sauce, but keep it chunky; let it go flaky and you’ve ruined the entire meal because I will not eat it!
• Cream sauces on pasta: Don’t be ridiculous.
• Drinks must come in cans (or glass): Don’t bother buying a 2L saver bottle of Pepsi Max because you’re wasting your money. Drinks do not taste the same out of plastic bottles. The only exception is fizzy water.
• Lack of salt: You DO need a bit of salt to bring out the flavour of food. I admit I eat far too much salt, but don’t give me your “no salt is better” crap because you’re just cooking something that won’t taste of anything. And Lo Salt tastes of potassium, it also burns your mouth, it’s horrible.
• Cucumber: Take the skin off!
• Bread: Don’t butter it if you’re making me a sarnie (unless it’s a chip butty, then you need to put plenty on).
• Crisp packets: Red/dark blue = ready salted; pale blue = salt & vinegar; green/yellow = cheese & onion. Not difficult, but Walkers had to fuck it up for everyone.

The time has come to give due recognition to customer services staff around the UK – and perhaps globally. But what a dreary existence they must have. I have a new quest to brighten up the country’s customer services departments by setting challenging tasks and submitting exciting queries that they are duty-bound to try to help me with!

My first task has been to e-mail Greggs the bakers to ask why their ring doughnuts come with an iced sugar coating, rather than a traditional granulated sugar coating. Their jam doughnuts are coated with granulated sugar and their split cream doughnuts are too. The thing is, they have to respond because that’s what customer services departments do! It’s fantastic.

Next on my list is GE Capital Bank to ask why they’re such a bunch of cocks and whether going on their training would give me a valid excuse to be a complete twat to the people I deal with at work. I’d still prefer the Beatrix Kiddo approach, but I’m not feeling quite right for a yellow jump suit just at the moment: I’m still trying to shift the Boxing Day running buffet from my arse and midriff.

I need to do a shop at Tesco before I can compile a list of things to enquire about with them, but I can assure you that the availability of hot chilli peanuts and Frizz Eaze Curl Controller will be high on my list! Of course, they’ll come back with that old nutmeg that it’s something to do with Government quotas set by Tony Bluuhhhr and Gordon “Gasps like a goldfish” Brown. Or is it a chestnut? I might also suggest that they (Tesco) introduce a scheme of capital punishment for those who leave their trolleys in parking bays; these are probably the same people who park across two bays in their massive people carriers and Mercedes. Perhaps, therefore, Tesco could save a few lives by refusing entry to the car park for anybody in a people carrier or Mercedes. I also think the Beatrix Kiddo approach would be highly appropriate here.

And Image Venue obviously need a word because they’ve been pissing about with their server for long enough and my pictures are still appearing as thumbnail clickies or red crosses! We are assured that normal service will be resumed.

Of course, if I’m extra complimentary, I may even get some freebies: “Dear Canon UK, I was so impressed with my Canon Powershot A70 that I’ve told everybody I know how brilliant your products are and I’ve recommended that anybody looking for a digicam should have a peruse at the Powershot range. Please can I have a free upgrade?”

Angry Chimp
This had me in stitches. Read on for “Lying: the new black”.

Edit:
Herge is right, current affairs is no laughing matter, and we should all be grateful for his accurate reporting of world events. I was just rather tickled by the name of one of the US contingent mentioned in the report. What sort of name is Condoleezza?

Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car
Step 2. Drive VERY FAST!!
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!
Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real!!