I’m watching Hugh Fearnley-Pigswill on the telly.  He’s one of these organic foodie campaigner types who evangelises about stuff that grows in shit.  I can’t stand him.  Everything about him is nauseating: the way he looks; the way he talks; what he cooks.  But what I find most objectionable about him is the way he eats really noisily and talks to camera while doing so.

Pig of a man.

There is nothing more disgusting than the sound of people eating, smacking their lips noisily as they find it impossible to keep their mouths closed until they’ve finishing munching like normal people can.

When I was at university, me and my friends needed to find a housemate and we ended up with a bit of a headcase who watched the TV with the sound turned up to full blast.  She ate with her mouth open, smacking away and slurping till the end of the very last mouthful.  Every evening when she came back from college, she’d go straight to her room.  We’d time her, one, two, three, four, then it’d start, the thumping base of Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet.  But she was a right loon: occupying the attic bedroom, me and my fellow housemates could hear her talking to herself in different voices whenever we went to the bathroom, which was also located on the top floor of the house.  On the day of my last ever university exam, I’d gone upstairs for a shower at something ridiculous like 5am and, even at that time of day, I heard a sinister laugh coming from within her room.  Freaked out?  Most certainly.

Mississippi, the middle of a heatwave…

Wardrobe fun

I was at Mum and Dad’s earlier.  And I decided to go and have a look in my old wardrobe for a laugh.  There are still some clothes in there from my skinny days.  I can get into some of my old jeans and things, but let’s just say that I’m in between sizes, with my current clothes slightly too big and the next size down being slightly too small for me.  Irritating?  You betchya!  Why are there no odd sizes?  Why do they have to go from 14 to 16 to 18?  What’s wrong with a 15 or 17?

So what do I do, starve a bit to go to the next size down, or eat a few kebabs and get tubby?