As a child, I used to love lasagna day.  Mum would spend an entire day preparing the components of this, now legendary, dish.  First off was the meat sauce, made with three quarters beef to one quarter pork mince, loads of garlic, red wine, herbs, tomatoes… and salt.  It would cook for hours until the aroma permeated the entire house and drifted outside.  The bechamel always precipitated much stress.  Again, this permeated throughout the entire house and was heard outside: “IT’S CATCHING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN!!!  Oh, what a life.  What a bloody life!”  It was always fine though, made with a balance of nutmeg, Parmesan and mozzarella that I’ve still never been able to replicate.  In those days, fresh pasta wasn’t available unless you were mental and made it yourself, so the lasagna sheets that were bought from the supermarket were the dry variety and they came in boxes.  In those days, there were two varieties of dry lasagna sheets: white and green (spinach).  Actually, there were four varieties: white or green; straight or wavy.The absolute best type was green and wavy, which was always part-cooked before the dish was assembled.

You can’t get green lasagna sheets in the supermarkets these days.  You can get whole wheat, fresh egg, dried egg, even spelt, but no green.  The stores claim that they now stock a wider variety of pasta to suit a more diverse palate and differing dietary needs.  I claim they’re talking bullshit.  There is no such thing as whole wheat pasta, so save some shelf-space and get shut of it.  Spelt pasta is something that should be confined to crank shops, actually no, it should be confined to history.  Spinach lasagna is the absolute business and anybody who claims otherwise is an idiot.

The only form I’ve found any sort of spinach pasta in recently is tagliatelle from Morrisons.  It’s not even the whole bag though, since half of the nests are standard egg noodles.  Why do they do this?  Surely, if when given the option of buying standard or half spinach/half standard fettuccine, you go for the latter, this means that you like the spinach component, so why not have just the spinach variety and not cut it with the boring stuff?

Of course, spinach should only ever go near pasta for lasagna sheets, cannelloni and tagliatelle.  The very thought of spinach rigatoni, spaghetti, penne or orzo makes me feel a bit queezy.

Special dietary needs

I could claim to have special dietary needs because:

• I don’t like boiled carrots, but love them roasted and raw
• I won’t eat peas in things but they’re fine on the side
• I can’t stand milk in coffee but I like it warm as a bedtime drink
• Whole wheat pasta makes me sick (the thought of it does)
• Peppers bring me out in hives

But I don’t have special dietary needs, other than needing to avoid too much fresh coriander, I’m just a bit fussy about a few things.  It’s fine to admit that you don’t like certain foods, or food combinations, or your mashed potato running into your gravy or baked beans.  People who claim to have special dietary needs just because they’re a bit fussy and they’ve been pandered to like a tantrum-throwing toddler all their adult lives need to grow the fuck up, or maybe try some different foods.  Cocks.

Domestic studies

I’ve heard quite a few people say that, while they have a dishwasher, they don’t use it and they prefer to do the dishes by hand.  This causes me much gnashing of teeth.  What is wrong with them?  That’s like saying that they have an automatic washing machine but they prefer standing over a washboard and wringer.  Or that, while they have the television for news, they prefer to make their own entertainment by playing the pianoforte and parlour games (I have sympathy with this one).

These people say the most remarkable things like, “I find that washing my dishes by hand gets them cleaner than if I used the dishwasher”.  What the bloody hell are they using in their dishwasher, gravel and dog poo?  How can washing by hand compete with super-heated caustic chemicals?  Centuries ago, people like this burned others for being witches.  They are dangerous and they need keeping an eye on.

Metropolitan, liberal, elite, establishment

I swear, if any fucker says these words in any combination in my presence, I will rip their fucking throat out.  Throw in mandate and I’ll set them on fire.