When I spend time with my parents, conversation often turns to the youngest (human) family member, my niece, Little Con. She’s recently started her second year at primary school and I asked my mum (Big Con) as to how she was settling in with her new teacher, classmates, and the like.

“She came home starving the other day; hadn’t eaten a thing”

With our family, food is everything. I can trace this to a few things:

• My parents being children during the Second World War (Mum’s family were in Liverpool and living on rations and whatever could be grown in allotments, Dad’s family were in the south of Italy and literally had to go and dig in the forest for food after the Nazi occupies had taken all the village’s provisions);

• My Dad being Italian;

• The acknowledgement that our combined tempers become unbearable when we’re hungry (we’re a pretty irascible bunch at the best of times)

So the news that Little Con “hadn’t eaten a thing” all day at school was tantamount to national disaster.

Con used to take a packed lunch to school with her, but her mum recognised that a hot meal during the day might be better for her powers of concentration as the intellectual effort was increasing. But things aren’t the way they were when we were at school. When we were at school, you lined up in the dining hall and you were given a plate of whatever was on the menu that day -no choice. The dinner ladies patrolled the tables to ensure that you ate everything (including the odd bit of gristle) and that you drank plenty of water before the main treat of pudding completed what generally a good meal.

I understand that primary school children are given a choice these days, but they don’t know what the choices are until they reach the end of the dinner queue, by which time it’s too late to go back and they end up with a crappy sandwich that they don’t want.

Choice and young children do not mix, this is developmental fact. This is something that parents and people responsible for the care of little ones need to understand, especially when it comes to providing food to kids who rely on school for their only hot meal of the day.

I’m going to write to my Little Con’s school and tell them what’s what:

• Hot meal every day, including pudding
• One meat (if necessary), one veggie option
• Chips no more than twice per week
• Lots of veg
• A healthy mix of flavours
• No choice
• No processed shit
• SAS trained dinner ladies
• Death to any parent who complains

And now as I hit the “publish” button, I see what a cock up I’ve made of my bullets.