One of the reasons for taking the little dog to the behaviourist (he accompanies me while it’s actually me who gets training) is so that I can learn how to brush him and so he can get used to that sort of mithering contact so I can bribe somebody with clippers to come round and cut his wiginess without them getting their fingers bitten off.

It’s a very slow process that involves bribing him with tasty and extremely smelly treats, namely chopped up bits of braised lamb offal. FYI braised lambs hearts have the same smell as any cooked lamb, which I find bizarre. Anyway, the process of brushing His Lordship involves a handful of lamb bits, a lead, a brush (which he must not see). He gets held in place with a short lead while I shove bits of meat into his mouth and try to touch him with the brush. After an arduous and bad tempered start, and rapid stop, we’re making progress! I have so far brushed quite a bit of his back, his tail, the back of his neck, the top of his head, his beard, his back legs. His tummy is some way off yet, and first rule of doggy fight club is “DO NOT LET IT DEVELOP INTO A FIGHT!” Apparently, Cesar Millan’s way of holding down a pooch until it submits to your will just won’t work with a dog like Rocky and you have to use the softly, softly, catchy monkey method. This means that any sign of stress from the dog and we stop.

Why couldn’t I get a normal dog? I should’ve known when I saw his dad (as mental as he is) and him as a 12 week old pup – I think it was a 12 week old pup that I saw; all I witnessed was a little black blob of excitement tearing around his first mum’s kitchen. Cute though.

And now he’s doing toxic farts.

Going Dutch
I really hate the way the Dutch speak when they speak in English. I don’t care how they speak when they speak Dutch because I obviously switch off. I don’t care that they have nothing to do but learn fifteen different languages by the time they’re out of nappies, I can’t stand the way they speak English.

I pity my cousin though. She’s from Liverpool, but married a Dutch man and has lived in Holland since the late 1980s. She speaks Dutch very well, but has forgotten how to speak English, which given her unfortunate start in this aspect of her life, puts her at quite a disadvantage when she comes back to England. Her accent/language is now what can be described as Douse, or Scutch I suppose.

Even worse than the Dutch English accent is when English people copy the Dutch English accent for the sake of comedy or advertising. Why do people do it? Why do people think that the Dutch are significant enough to use as characters in films or adverts? And when they do deem it absolutely necessary to include such people, why don’t they go for an authentic Dutch person instead of some English cunt doing a Dutch accent?

Gawd. Just a thought.

Notting Hill
Notting Hill is on telly. It has Hugh Grant playing Hugh Grant in it. There’s not really much that I can add to that.